


Just a Cage of Bones — The Journal of Ren Amamiya

by NieRville



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Borderline Personality Disorder, Diary/Journal, F/M, Hurt, Mental Health Issues, Salvation story, Spoilers throughout the game, Suicidal Thoughts, Unreliable Narrator, Unstable Emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-03-28 06:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 23,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13898553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NieRville/pseuds/NieRville
Summary: My variant headcanon for Ren: he has a borderline personality disorder. The real kind, not the entertaining one portrayed in fiction. Contains no graphical details of violence or sex, but it's probably disturbing in other ways.I will play through the entire game (NG, not NG+) from the beginning and write the experience from Ren's perspective.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have two headcanons. New Game+ Ren is the Social Stats 5 guy that's usually in my fics. New Game Ren is the one Beneath the Mask — and this fic — is about.
> 
> This fic portrays Ren as having borderline personality disorder (BPD). He is a sensitive boy from a broken home, and he has trouble expressing and regulating his emotions. What hurts him, hurts a lot. What he likes, he likes a lot. Then there's the apathy and emptiness. There will be wild variations in style and emotional content. Conflicting emotions. Anxiety and distress that Ren tries to ease by any means necessary.
> 
> Ren's BPD here is very much self-projection. I've suffered from BPD and I think how P5 portrays Ren is a very good metaphor for shining light onto the disorder — both as Ren and as Joker. BPD therapies are very effective, and lucky circumstances help, too. 
> 
> I want to portray the game's events as the momentous journey that helps Ren heal and find happiness and love. Personally, I want to encourage anyone with BPD to seek therapy.
> 
> I don't see Ren using curse words in speech — very often, at least — but this is his personal journal. The Ren here will also be full of conflicts and insecurities and write things he doesn't mean. I'd be happy to answer any questions you guys have, in comments or in DMs.

**EDITOR'S NOTE**

I first read this a few days after the boy left for his hometown. Reading this, I gotta say the boy has some balls for a guy his age. For a person of any age.

It hurts to read this, especially the beginning when we didn't get along. I understand him better now and consider him my son, but his bitterness stings.

I'm proud beyond words of his journey. He is now back in Tokyo and I'm glad to say he and Niijima-chan are very happy together.

I've left out some of the repetition. Otherwise, this is his writing.

\- S.S.

 

**Sun April 10th, Evening**

UNFAIR. That's what this is.

My dad's never home. Mom's not either. Always work. Then drinking. Work, drink, work, drink. They fight all the time. Dad thinks I'm no good. Hair too long, not strong enough, not smart enough. A disgrace to the Amamiya name. Fucking dad. I hate him.

I never get to do anything. I don't have friends. I try to be good. I try to be fucking nice to people. I listen to their worries and I'm gentle and nice and funny and what do I get? Bigshot old guy sued me because I didn't let him rape a woman.

And now I'm in Tokyo. What the hell is this? I'm just being bossed around. But my parents were away all the time anyway. They think this is a punishment? At least I don't need to live in a house that smells of sake and hungover shame.

This is a b l e s s i n g, is what it is.

Would be even moreso if my landlord wasn't a piece of shit. He's not much better than my dad. Bossing me around, thinking I'm some sort of criminal for fucking standing up to justice? For doing good? What is the adult world made of? Rules? And more rules? Stray one centimeter from the path they've written for you, that some p o l i t i c i a n has written for you, or some who-knows-what ancestor once decreed, and they give you THIS? They're ruining my fucking life! BUT I DID THE RIGHT THING. That douchebag that stank of sake, wobbling, barely able to stand up, forcing himself on her, talking about steering this country like he owns the world.

God, if you exist: I'm sick of you.

 

**Mon April 11th, Morning**

Then...

I can't believe I'm writing this shit down.

This happened on... Saturday? I fell asleep and was in this prison and there's this big nose guy and two little chicks dressed as wardens. Then this guy goes on that I'm bound to a fate and sure enough I'm in chains. Ball and chain. Prisoner's suit. Then he says that there's a ruin to avoid and oh yeah, those asswipes ruined my future.

…

But it didn't feel like a dream. And. Andandandand there's a weird app installing itself on my phone. And when I came to Tokyo and stared at all those people, that... mass of people. I touched that app and.

Time STOPPED.

…

Spent some time online. I can't believe I'm writing this.

Time stopped. I saw a blue flame and myself in it.

Am I going crazy? Like, schizophrenic or hallucinatory whatever they call it? Like my childhood wasn't bad enough and now I'm going fucking nuts?

But that app is back. It's there on my phone. Again.

I need to go to school. Sojiro will bust my ass if I don't get there on time. My teacher is this chick in yellow, young and hot and she'd probably just fry me to death if I screw up because she has her career to think about. The principal's pretty much my dad.

Fuck my life. I have no idea of what's happening and I JUST WANT TO DIE AND NOT BE A BURDEN TO ANYONE.

I mean... WHY? Why is this happening? I try to be myself and I'm just this... everyone seems to hate me.

I think I've started wearing a mask a long time ago and no one even sees who I am anymore. Even I MYSELF don't know who I am anymore. But it's better that people don't know who I am. They can't hurt me that way. Not really. They'll just scrape the surface. Then I'll discard it and build a new armor. Harden myself against the world, because FUCK EVERYONE. I don't care anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April 11th continues. It's pretty eventful.
> 
> (BPD note #1: BPD is just a name for a complex issue, and BPD people often have other mental health issues, too. I think there are also two varieties of BPD and I obviously can't speak for everyone with the disorder.
> 
> BPD note #2: this is sort of fluctuation between terrible lows and ecstatic heights is common. All within a few hours, depending on circumstances. BPDs lack a strong sense of "own" personality and even identity.)

Later, after school, at school

trouble writing...

Like. What happened? What's going on??

Am I going crazy or is everything GOING TO BE OKAY????? 

Shit. I'm writing this down. 

Okay, so first there's — I saw a girl. Blonde girl. Natural blonde. We were right next to each other and she looked at me and smiled! andididntgetawordoutofmymouth!!!! She was really friendly and kind and I can't believe she was just there and didn't judge me. Then later I saw her in class and heard people talking she's into that teacher who she went with and who Ryuji called pervy. But... I can't believe it. She looked so honest and pure and when she went into the car she looked so... she wasn't into him! She wasn't. She isn't. She sits in front of me in class. Her presence is so... kind and soothing. I like her!

Then, Sakamoto. Ryuji. All adults see him as this troublemaker! But... yeah, he's my age, dyed hair. Really cool. Not calm-cool, though, but... honest-cool. Like he's just there. Like... I feel my emotions all the time. It's like other people don't. I just see their masks. But Sakamoto! He lets everyone know what he is feeling. It's like he has no mask at all. And he's the troublemaker? The truthful one? How wrong is our world when an honest guy like that is called the troublemaker of the school?! Shit! I saw Kawakami after all this... this... well, that thing. And Kawakami — she's not bad, she's just afraid or stuck up or... a prisoner of adulthood or something. And I hate to let her down! She was so let down. I don't want to. I want her to like me. I want her to like herself. 

But why is she so afraid of Sakamoto? Is she so caught up in this bullshit masquerade too, that she only sees image and status and is afraid of everything that is honest and pure in this world? This world needs shaking up!

This... world. Speaking of this world. Shaking it up... Sakamoto speaks THE TRUTH. I wish I could speak like that to adults. GOD how I wanted to punch that Kamoshida in the face. But I just feel I can't even breathe the wrong way. Or they will expel me. WHY.

Everyone in school was talking about me, too. The STUDENTS. Judging me without knowing me! Just because I was late! ”He looks nice but I bet he carries a knife and when he loses it he'll KILL YOU” or something.

WELL LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A KNIFE AND LOSING IT.

Dear diary, am I losing it? Dear diary, am I losing it because I'm talking to you like you're a real person? But somehow it feels like that. Like I just can't... I can't just write everything down! Everything I think. I can't even think about all the things I want to think about!

So, there's this castle...

So, me and Ryuji are walking in Aoyama...

We're going to school and... It's no school but a... fairy tale castle...

I can't fucking believe I'm writing this down.

So there's the castle and two armored guys show up. Big guys. Heavy-duty cosplay but look totally real. Ryuji is defiant and they beat him up! Me, too. Then we wake up in this cell. But that Sakamoto (haha, I wrote Ryuji earlier) he's got some serious balls standing up to armored guys like that. REAL BALLS. I can't believe the guts he has. 

Then we're in a jail cell.

It's like a dream, but no dream. I felt the stones. I smelled the moisture and the mold and the wet rocks. Sakamoto was there, too. And we talked and I swear it wasn't a dream or if it was, I'm really crazy. But it was much like that Velvet Room I saw earlier. Between dream and matter, or dream and reality, mind and matter. Something like that that the Igor guy said. And the Igor guy had that same kinda voice that

In the jail cell we were trying to escape and guards came in and... Kamoshida, almost like, and he spoke like that Igor guy did. A sort of... sickening growl or something. He looked like the Kamoshida I saw afterwards in school, but ridiculous. And gross.

They beat up Sakamoto. Bad. They threatened to kill him.

I'm... not gonna lie, I was scared. Shitless. I can't find the words. I was just scared. They said they were trying to execute us and it felt so real. They were trying to KILL US. With swords. I was against the cold, moist wall, helpless, and... empty... I felt so empty... Like... I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I know I said earlier I wanna die. But I don't want to. But I can't feel angry. I just can't feel angry at people. 

Usually.

I — this will sound schizo or something (pardon my ableism) but I HEARD A VOICE IN MY HEAD

And there was that blue flame again. I GET GOOSEBUMPS FROM WRITING THIS. That guy I saw when I came to Tokyo, my mirror image. I FELT LIKE THAT GUY. He was me. I was him. And the voice in my head spoke something I felt like were my thoughts and weren't. 

It was like... all that pent up ANGER and frustration and THAT SAKE-SMELLING ASSHOLE they all were... one huge fucking black hole or something and it became this... REBEL SOUL, like it said it was. Arsene. REBEL SOUL ARSENE. 

”Show the strength of thy will to ascertain all on thine own, though thou be chained to Hell itself!”

THAT IS WHAT MY LIFE IS. HELL. And that REBEL SOUL will fucking let me USE THE POWER OF HELL. Power to break through this crisis! That blue fire lit up my bones and my muscles were all power and fire. I had a mask on, this masquerade mask, on my eyes, and it hid me and my true self. AND I FUCKING TORE THAT THING OFF OF MY FACE. It hurt like all hell, but still less than my everyday life (lol), and tearing it off just... my whole body was electricity and fire and POWER.

FUCK. I tore loose into those assholes and there was a knife in my hand.. And I've always, always, always had to keep it all inside. My dad, my mom that's sort of cool in some ways but I don't wanna disappoint her so I don't wanna be angry. Everything, always, I'm a nice guy. But I have HATE in me. Or something. And now, I just... GOD THE POWER. How I sliced them open, and I felt my heart pour forth this... amazing malevolence and justice that CURSED those tiny monsters to HELL. I let them feel my own hell! I tore them down, all those Shadows that that CAT called them and 

IT FELT SO LIBERATING

We went away, and I felt Arsene come and go, and we locked Kamoshida in his cell. I was me, I was that guy, and we were in a castle sewer or something and...

Dear diary, dear everyone who will read this when I'm dead, I met a talking cat.

A mascot cat. It called itself Morgana of all things, and it got into a fight with Sakamoto right off the bat. But it knew what it was doing and it liked me. It said I was smart and looked at my new self like I was this... super cool guy. It liked me! It really liked me! We fought those shadows together and it taught me things. But it went away! I wanna see him again. Sakamoto probably doesn't.

Morgana said I still can't control my new power fully. I CAN'T WAIT.

Can I get REVENGE WITH THIS? Is this what that Igor spoke about? COMING RUIN. 

I'm getting goosebumps again!

Damn.

School's about to close and I'm stuck here writing this! I better go see Sakamoto. He said he'd be waiting on the rooftop. 

I really gotta do something about my schedule. I can't keep people waiting like this. 

I don't want to see Sakura-san tonight, though...


	3. Chapter 3

**Tue April 12th**

Too exhausted to write last night.

Ryuji introduced himself. I didn't talk much. But he seems to like me. And I like him.

That Kamoshida is some sort of Olympic medalist.

Sakura-san didn't evict me.

And another strange dream. About palaces and personas and power and rehabilitation.

It looks like I was feeling all-powerful yesterday. Now I'm just scared. We almost died. Ryuji saw that stuff too. Do I need to go fight again? Morgana gave us some kind of medicine that worked in the castle. Does that mean we can really die there? Like I killed those shadows?

It's raining and I need to go to school. I feel heavy-headed.

 

**In school**

 

I got out of class and the blond girl was feeling down when Kamoshida talked to him. And warned about me. Warned about me. He's spreading rumors now? Like my life isn't miserable enough already? Why do teachers make life harder for students?

GIVE

ME

A

CHANCE

Is he blackmailing the girl? I wanted to ask her. But...

I didn't have the courage to run after her and talk to her. A girl that pretty would never talk to me.

I'm worried for her. She seems friendly and like that teacher is trying to take advantage of her.

 

**In ”SCHOOL”**

 

Ryuji thinks he's stupid, but he's actually pretty creative and smart. He helped us get into the castle again. And... I got those clothes again! Red gloves! And... this... power and confidence! And I felt sexy, too. I FEEL sexy right now! I think Ryuji is jealous!

We're in the castle again. Mona showed us a safe room. We're taking a breather here. It's weird. Otherwise the castle feels so hostile and scary and alien. This place. This place feels like... just a school. Or even. Safe? It's like I even glimpsed that this is a classroom. But I still have my cool gloves on!

Ryuji gave me a toy gun. It's... it sounds more stupid written down than it feels. The place is so unreal anyway. But it looks real so could be that I can use it to threaten a shadow or the Kamoshida here when I see him.

But now we gotta go.

 

**Home. 22:11**

Ryuji almost got killed. Mona, too. ~~We were~~

Okay, first, Ryuji joined the fight. He got really pissed off at Kamoshida. The same mask thing that I did. We fought three shadows together and Ryuji shot out lightning and fried shadow horses. But the biggest one, a nightmare knight in red armor, he rode down both Ryuji and Mona. I was afraid they were dead.

I just... killed it. Then. I felt so fucking angry. I was wounded and exhausted myself but it had hurt my

friends...

Can I call them friends? Will they leave me as soon as I burst out at them in real life? Like everyone else?

I don't want to trust them. But I need to. My heart aches from longing and being scared. I don't want to do either.

 

Then we got back from the palace and we felt exhausted. Ryuji looked s o s p e n t. Then... he said I didn't. But I really was. I wanted to lie down right there, but... I just... couldn't. I stood there. Ryuji said I don't show it. I guess I don't show any of my emotions.

So...

I feel for Ryuji. He's so frustrated. When he's angry or frustrated, I just sense and feel his whole body constricting. He's an ex-athlete and apparently Kamoshida did some really nasty shit to him. And kept beating him up in the palace. (I'll just call it the palace from now on, like Morgana does. Castle sounds like how Kam-ass-shida would like it.) Then keeps blaming him for destroying the track team. The shit Ryuji must've gone through. His dream as an athlete crushed. Leg broken. Teammates left him. Scorned by the whole school??

I can relate all too well...

But the palace. How it works. I'm trying to get my head around it. Mona seems to know how it works. People there aren't real even if they feel like real. It's.. Kam-ass-shida's heart, that I know. And like his deepest darkest fantasy that anyone else would see as a nightmare.

In that place... we saw those slaves. They looked like real people. I saw real, live people being thrown with explosive volleyballs. It sounds cartoony but witnessing it from a few meters off, happening to a real person... How fucking sick is Kamoshida? To get a palace like this?

And... why don't I have one? I've dreamt of killing myself since I was a little kid. I've dreamt of killing my bullies. Those have been sick fantasies. I've felt how dark my heart is. How bitter my soul is. Sometimes I just feel like I'm — dripping bile and my blood burns me. Every muscle in my body is filled with liquid pain. I'm barely breathing. How have I kept on living? How??

And...

When I'm Joker... I just don't feel any of that. All my pain is... somewhere else. They have transformed into Arsene. They give me power to seek out justice. I want revenge! I want to stop Kamoshida and I want to find the drunk fuck who ruined me and KILL him.

I want to kill Kamoshida too. He's been spreading lies about me. He just... he's really trying to ruin people. How fucking twisted is he???? I HATE HIM.

 

I can't keep going on like this. It's just... TOO MUCH. Every day now. It's like a million things have happened since I got here. I NEED SPACE.

I just s

 

 

 **P.S.** Fell asleep there.

I have to admit. I don't know how I feel about Ryuji having a persona.

It feels great — no, I THINK it's great that he got power. I'm not sure I FEEL anything. But I think I SHOULD feel something. Something other than this... emptiness inside. Like I'm... my whole ribcage is just an iron prison for a spiritual vacuum. I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and... in my eyes... I'm not sure what I see. Do I even see myself? Facing it

WHY. WHY DON'T I FEEL ANYTHING? IT'S LIKE I'M NOT EVEN THERE. I look in the mirror and the glass is empty.

So

I

… … — — — …

Can I just

I don't want Ryuji to have a persona. I want to be special. I want to be the only one. It hurt when Mona looked at Ryuji and saw him have his pirate captain. For once, please, LET ME BE SPECIAL. Loved. Something else! What do I have to be to MEAN anything to anyone????

I need to sleep.

 

 

**Night**

It's 2:29 and I c a n ' t s l e e p.

Ryuji having a persona means that I can talk with him about it.

It could be a good thing.

Maybe it's less lonely this way.

We both have seen our masks and what's underneath. That's what my persona said to me. Maybe his, too. Maybe this IS friendship. And I'm just a jealous, selfish asshole who can't even be happy for his friend.

  
**P.S.2.**

I've been thinking about it.

I want Ryuji as a friend. We talked after the palace. Ate ramen. And... he seems to trust me. He wants to do things with me. I told him about that drunken asshole.

And... in the palace... I saved his life.

We fought MONSTERS together.

Talking with him. Hearing his voice, it's so... so... honest. And relaxed. I feel what he can feel. I don't get that with people. I see their masks. I feel like Ryuji's heart touched mine, and like... my heart can beat more freely. Like there's this chain around it, but now it's not there anymore. Not as strong.

It's a little easier to breathe now.

I have a friend.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writer's note: When Ren said he wanted to kill Kamoshida, that's a strong verbal way to express his hate. He wouldn't. BPDs aren't murderous. They are a danger to themselves, not others. True, they often have poor impulse control, so anything is possible, but they aren't your garden variety maniac psycho murderers.

 

**April 13th**

Restless night. After all those things that happened, I dreamt of the velvet room, too. Igor said I should get to know or that I get to know people who have no place in the world. That will help me grow.

That feels comforting. But...how can I believe him? He said I should f o r g e relationships with people of that kind. Real, true friendships, beyond just saying hi.

He might have a point. But it's HARD. Building trust! How can I do that? I try to be nice but... Well.

That WAS my previous life. A lot has happened since then. A few weeks. A few weeks and I no longer know what's going on.

This will sound weird, but... well, dear diary, it's not the weirdest part I've written here.

It's like Ryuji is a part of me now. And Igor, too. Ryuji is an obvious Chariot: reversed, he doesn't have a lot of control and he carries a lot of aggression. On the plus side, he's determined. Very, very determined to get revenge on Kamoshida. We spent the day tracking down people who might spill things on the guy.

Igor... who is he? An outsider, too? Where is that place?

Why am I writing this? It feels... distant. Like I'm writing down a fairy tale. But it's my life! One day I'll wake up in a padded cell and a nurse takes a look at this book and shakes her head with eyes like blowfishes and tut-tuts my poor fate.

The day was volleyball, Kamoshida, volleyball, Kamoshida. He's completely heartless. I can see that now even without his palace. But his palace makes sense now. He abuses this meek guy called Mishima. The guy has a soft voice, soft and silent, and Kamoshida slammed a BALL RIGHT IN HIS FACE. Then stopped like he had just declared a death sentence and only then ran to ””””help”””” the guy up.

Kamoshida gave us shit for talking to Mishima. But!! I TALKED BACK AT HIM. WITH SARCASM!! It felt so good! I complimented on his spike and he didn't even realize I was saying what an asshole he is. Is this Arsene? Thank you, Arsene! Thank you thank you thank you!

Mishima is so scared and ran off. I wish I could help that guy out.

I wanna help everyone out. Mishima. Ryuji. Kawakami, even. I like her.

Takamaki Ann is weird, though. She is the blond girl. She knows Ryuji, Ryuji knows him. Takamaki sat miserably alone in volleyball. She isn't feeling good. But on break there was a girl she was very energetic and positive with! Then she caught up with me and wanted to know what I was doing and Ryuji showed up on his chariot and said, ”whoa, girl, watcha doin' talkin' to my best buddy???” (not verbatim).

Ryuji was oddly aggressive. Chariot. I think Takamaki seemed to have good intentions. A good heart. She said she just wanted us to be careful. Was she talking shit? Or is Ryuji aggressive with everyone but me??? He was at Morgana's throat, too. (Morgana hasn't shown up anywhere but in the palace.) Is Takamaki manipulative here? Or is Ryuji super aggressive and just get along with me and everyone else is right? They know each other from middle school. Everyone thinks Takamaki is with Kamoshida but I don't think she is, and she's a foreigner or something, and she was alone in that volleyball thing. Could Igor be talking about her, too? Is this fate? Will I get a girlfriend?

If this is fate, what can I do? Hope for the best? Or can I control fate like he said? Like I think I should?

I might think too much... too much...

Ryuji texted me and thinks ”Ann doesn't give a shit”. I just... listened to him.

I wanted to say to him something.

Like... he's too angry about this. But of course he's angry, Kamoshida took away everything from him. If he's speaking the truth. But he shouldn't smear Takamaki like that! But I can't say that to him. How can I say to him that he's too angry? I understand him.

 

**April 14th**

Some girls ARE HOTS FOR KAMOSHIDA! WHAT THE FUCK. You just need muscles and an overdose of toxic masculinity to get girls?!?!!?

Class starting.

 

**School yard, sunny**

It's sunny. The school yard is surprisingly good for writing. School's out. There's just... SO MUCH GOING ON. I need this. Just... the sun on my face. The wind. The flowers and the greenery. There's not much wind in this concrete jungle, but it's still better than the school air. I feel all tense AND shaky both and my head hurts and my throat too.

I talked to Suzui after school. Ryuji said I should ask her about Kamoshida. But she was kind to me. Tired. But... awfully tired. She said I shouldn't mind the rumors. And Takamaki is misunderstood because of rumors.

All true, then...

Ryuji was... he hit the vending machine.

I don't like that. He's making me scared. And he hates on Ann and Morgana who showed up, too. But Morgana doesn't like him either.

Suzui had a swollen face. Mishima had it, too. Kamoshida? How can Ryuji be like that when it's just what Kamoshida is, too???!?

How can I FORGE BONDS when I can't trust anyone? I don't have any idea what anyone does! I want to be friends with everyone, but they don't want to be friends with each other!

Morgana's ideas, though...

That we could steal Kamoshida's dirty heart. Make him unable to stand what he's done and confess his crimes. That sounds incredible but...

Could someone do the same for me, too? Take away this pain?

 

**Shibuya**

Came to hang out here. The people going by calm me. So many of them. Lost in the masses.  
Ryuji texted me earlier that Kamoshida isn't Suzui's and Takamaki's type. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, MAN. It's good if you don't and I think the same and MAKE UP WITH THE CAT, TOO. I can't stand all this bullshit. Bullshitbullshitbullshit.

One thing. It'll be great if cops find this book. Or Sojiro... But... I really don't want to kill Kamoshida. I think I wrote here I would. Morgana... is okay with it??? Ryuji isn't???? OF ALL PEOPLE? I don't understand people.

Or cats.

Maybe cats...

 

**Bedtime**

I met Takamaki and wanted to talk to her. She started talking. All about it. Kamoshida wants sex with her and says that Suzui will get a good position on the team then.

...how despicable can a person get? How dark his desires? How crooked the way he abuses power and position??

She says I'm easy to talk to. That I don't belong. She doesn't, either. It felt...

good.

I'm not sure if I feel it, but I think it's sad that we can find something in common by having nothing in common with most people.

Maybe me not having is a palace because I'm moving forward. All the time. I hurt. But I try to let go. I still hurt, and hurt, and I'm bitter... but... I try to be good to people. To see the good side. To forgive. I don't want to be bitter.


	5. Chapter 5

**April 15th**

I didn't write much about Takamaki and Suzui yesterday.

That shit causes me so much anger that I even writing becomes difficult when I think about it. I woke up early this morning. Steaming. Furious. I don't know what I want to do. Or how to be. I want to bring Kamoshida to justice and Mona told us how to do that... but... I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE. Thinking about it makes my body tremble. I can't BREATHE.

Suzui was the first person outside of Ryuji who really accepted me. Then, Takamaki. Those two girls are good people. Pure people. Who see the person beyond the rumors. Who might see beneath my mask. I think I might grow to trust them. Trust them. Deeply, deeply. It's just the feeling I get when I'm with them. Relaxed.

I'm glad I'm going to see them today!

 

**Evening**

Nothing went like it was supposed to.

I've been trying to gather strength to write this.

Kamoshida used Suzui. Beat her. Raped her. Because he couldn't have Ann.

Suzui jumped off the roof and she's in the hospital. No teachers went with her, so Ann did. She's so... caring. And in pain. It hurts to see.

Kamoshida responded by saying he will EXPEL ME AND RYUJI AND MISHIMA. Is he just... is there nothing in him utter darkness and evil?

I CAN'T FIND WORDS FOR HIM ANYMORE

We had doubts about ruining his precious castle but NO LONGER. We will tear the fucking place down, shadow by shadow, brick by brick, and rip his fucking shadow heart to shreds until he collapses or confesses to his crimes and faces shame and humiliation and they will tear the fucking olympic medal from his desperate grip.

And Ann will help us. She followed us and got into trouble for her courage and caring. We got there in time and SHE FUCKING ROCKED. She transformed her love for her friends and her desire for revenge and whatever into this beautiful fucking revenge and power and STROKE DOWN HER OWN NIGHTMARE VERSION WITH A SWORD. She ripped the mask off her face despite all the pain and TOGETHER WE WILL TEAR DOWN KAMOSHIDA. And we will be there for Suzui. Shiho. I think I can call her Shiho. For Ann's sake. She's close to her.

When Ann was about to get... She was in this, she was chained to a rack and Kamoshida threatened to rape and kill her I guess. What...

What I did was say to her that don't give up.

Like I did to Ryuji.

I...

really think that I used my own anger to help my

friends.

I said that it's okay to be angry. TO FIGHT BACK. To stand up for justice.

I'm not worthless. My life isn't meaningless. I don't know who I am but at least I can do things for others. I'm not worthless.

NOT WORTHLESS. NOT WORTHLESS. NOT WORTHLESS. NOT WORTHLESS. I will keep writing this every fucking day until I fucking get it and remember that I AM NOT WORTHLESS. My life has meaning and I am loved.

Ann and Morgana both... I felt the connection. The same kind as with Ryuji. Ann is clearly Lovers. She's so caring. Genuinely so. Her heart is... so big. It's in her eyes. In her smile. In her voice. Even when she's angry, she seems like it's for her friends and against people who live for hate and selfishness and greed, not love. She is fucking amazing and even thinking about her feels so liberating.

Morgana came to live with me. We had a heart to heart. He's very cute and when he's not looking down on us, he's very friendly and encouraging. He seems to believe in me, too. He teaches me new skills and teaches me about the palace so I guess he's the Magician, then.

He also told me to go to sleep. It's probably good. These days are so full of things that I j u s t  c a n ' t  d e a l  w i t h  i t  a l l. Morgana said that that's exactly why I should sleep. If I don't sleep enough, I can't deal with it. Sleep deprivation does that to people.

But will I ever have something else to do but THIS? Social life? Love? Is my being in Tokyo just monsters and worse monsters?? Will I just... life for others???? Still... at least I can fight back. And my father doesn't hit me.

 

**Sat April 16th**

There was a doctor in Leblanc yesterday and today I went to see her. To get medicine.

I said I have nightmares. I couldn't tell her the whole truth, so it's best to mix up lies with truth. More convincing that way. (””Thanks””, mom, dad.)  
She was really... she didn't believe my lies. But she believed my personality. That I'm not a bad guy.

I think I'm going to cry.

I do cry.

What does she see in me? That I don't? I look in the mirror and... I don't see the things others see.

I'm still anxious. Suzui. Her trying to kill herself. By jumping off the roof. Did what I've been... I haven't done. I've thought about it almost every day. Until coming to Tokyo, that is.

If there wasn't Arsene, and Igor, and my friends here... Seeing Suzui trying suicide might have made me do the same. And the threat of expulsion. I might not be alive.

Now... I think I'm not desperate. Or... angry at myself. I don't loathe myself. I hate someone else. I hate and despise and loathe and FUCKING HATE Kamoshida.

And I can do something about it. WE can do something about it. Me and my friends. We are not helpless. I feel pain and frustration and injustice but when I go to the palace, it all transforms into POWER. The rebellious spirit or... something.

Yesterday, though...

I TALKED to shadows. And that's not all...

I'LL NEVER FORGET MORGANA'S FACE WHEN HE SAW ME

TAKE ON A SHADOW AS A PERSONA

It's like he saw a god or something! Eyes the size of whales and he was so giddy! We downed a Pixie and I touched my mask and the little thing CAME INTO MY HEART

Morgana said that people have one heart so normally they only have one persona and that he's NEVER EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE ME

IT MAKES ME SPECIAL

….

But

What am I? A split personality?????????

What's wrong with me????

Is this a GOOD THING OR A BAD THING? WHAT THE HELL AM I???????  
I am special but am I also TOTALLY FUCKED UP??

I'll.. I talked to shadows. I gotta say what they want to hear.

So I just manipulate them. It feels... weird. Wrong??? Am I too sensitive about this?? Talking to monsters??? Caring for their feelings?? But the gloomy ones sound so sad...

 

 

**Sun Apr 17th**

  
Went to a gunshop with Ryuji.

I was feeling anxious. Morgana... hard to believe, but sometimes he just wants to be a cat. He says isn't one, but when we're at home, he really likes to sit and sleep and be petted.

Cleaned the desk, made lockpicks. It was really hard! But rewarding!

Morgana is sleepy and I'm too. I've been thinking, though.

Thinking about my friends: I feel stronger for it. The tarot thing isn't a lie. It's like... I have access to sides of me that I didn't know are there. Or maybe...

Like when I think of Ryuji and rebellion and aggression, it's like I feel my father's anger chaining my heart. But also that I rage against it. Thinking about Ann makes my heart bigger. It … n

What are these things? Who am I?? WHAT CAN I STILL BE???

Today was calmer. I could finally relax. I can't fucking take this lifestyle for long. I NEED SPACE.

 

**Some poetry.**

I've been trying to find love all my life  
Where are you? You who will accept me?  
I want to be understood. Please accept my pain.  
Please accept me for who I am!  
I'm tired of wearing a mask  
being a chameleon, changing my color  
and mood based on who I'm with.  
Will nobody understand this darkness  
that I carry within me?  
Why can't I find words?

How could I tell you?  
The way that I am?  
You don't understand  
because you don't feel the same.  
I feel like there is nothing  
inside my chest. No heart.  
No soul, no air, just this  
feeling of being constricted.  
What is the way to  
break these chains?  
To tear down the walls  
keeping me captive?


	6. Chapter 6

**Monday 18th**

  
I AM IN LOVE

I finally had time to just... NOT HURRY anywhere. So after school, I hung out some and went into the library and... and...

AND THERE'S A GODDESS IN THERE

She sat right in the middle of everything in the middle of books. She was fully concentrated on her studies and looked so... CONCENTRATED! I don't even know how I did it but I asked her if I could sit there and she said something like... she was very eloquent... ”I'd rather you didn't, it would be quite difficult for me to concentrate in such circumstances”. That's not verbatim, but she was so... HER VOICE. SHE TALKED TO ME. Her eyes were like... rubies, and although she said I couldn't join her there, her smile was so pure! Genuine. Just BEING THERE or something. Dark brown hair, like the best chocolate. She smelled like something... very GOOD.

I mean I have seen pretty girls this last week but NONE come even close to her and it's not just being pretty but she just RADIATES SOMETHING that I can't put into words!

No, I think she didn't say I couldn't sit there, maybe she just said she'd like to study, and it WAS ME WHO WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE ON STUDYING at her table. Her... concentration and d e d i c a t i o n

and BEAUTY

She made me stay in the library for some time. People were talking bullshit about me but I looked up some psychology books just to look into split personality. That's not even the right term, but it's dissociative identity disorder and IT'S NOT ME. I don't know what I am but that's not it.

OH I KNOW WHAT I AM

I AM IN LOVE

WITH A GODDESS

 

I want to see her again and hear her voice. She's the student council president and she just STANDS OUT, like a... leader. A beacon. Like A JEWEL. Those eyes... THOSE EYES. She's someone to look up to. She

I want to talk to her but I don't know how! She doesn't want to be disturbed and she MUST have someone special already! GOD I'M JEALOUS!

Then I came to Shibuya and this place is SO BIG. It's incredible! I could spend hours here and just look at all the stuff they have on sale! People to listen to! It's so lively and crowded and welcoming! Not welcoming, maybe, but non-hostile! I'm sitting next to a bookstore here and writing.

That girl!!

THAT GIRL!

We'll go to the palace now! Kamoshida will pay today!

 

**Palace, Safe room**

THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON AND I'M SO GOOD AT THIS!

We're in the palace again. We all want to make Kamoshida pay. We go through the corridors and the rooms and the man is just sick. But...

I feel weird saying this.

It feels good to hate him together. In my hometown, I didn't have anyone. Now, I already have a lot of friends. They're here in this room with me, relaxing after a few battles. Even Morgana can be really sweet to Ryuji when he wants to. He's just incredibly bad at accepting Ryuji's faults.

Before we came here, I was called to the velvet room again. I'll write about it afterwards, it's a lot. I came out of it and my friends just thought I was spacing out.

I wanted to tell them what happened but... how can I? Ryuji said I space out at times. At other times, too? Morgana said that it's because I'm special... but...

that psychology book talked about dissociative identity disorder. Dissociating. It's like escaping. Like you're not there.

Do I do that a lot??

 

 

**Evening**

~~Soji~~ Sakura-san's not bad either. He welcomed Morgana with open arms the other day. The grumpy old guy might have a soft heart.

Palace was rough. I'm tired again. I'll write about it tomorrow.

I'm thinking about the student council president. How can anyone be so sweet and intelligent! I have never seen anyone like her in my life!

 

where have you been, my goddess?  
I have looked for you all my life!  
I had no clue, no sign  
that you would be in a school library!  
free me, oh goddess!  
and let me love you!


	7. Chapter 7

**Tuesday 19th**

  
It's good that I went early to bed. I have time to write now. Morgana is still asleep.

I think my poems aren't very good...

The girl was in my dream. I was sitting with her in the library and she asked me if I knew the what the professor in red wanted for breakfast. I asked her if I can check it from her books. She said yes, and then I took a book from the pile. The pile was now huge and we were sitting on Totoro's stomach. I looked through the books and just felt that the answer is not there. She walked to my side and put her hand on mine and said that let's look together, the recipe is right here. But the page was empty and there was just her hand on mine. I looked up at her and she wasn't there anymore. Just her red eyes.

The velvet room yesterday was... at first I was

SCARED

He told me to execute my personas! I really didn't want to, but Caroline and Justine wouldn't let me go before I did. I didn't have my Joker mask on, but I still felt the personas in my heart. It's...

hard to talk about. It's like a dream, too. This is a dream journal soon... I felt like my ideas of my friends having the tarot weren't just my ideas! Igor thought of them the same way! And personas had arcanas, too. The shadows have them, too. So... the palace is like going into Kamoshida's heart and he has those shadows there that have the tarot, and I have personas that have the tarot, and I can capture his shadows and make them a part of me????? What is happening????

Igor wanted me to kill the personas in my heart. The body and blood of the old. To make way for new, better ones. And I should gather more.

I really didn't want to do that. But...

I wrote about this already. I had to give them permission to do that and it's like they opened my heart and took out the personas and put them in the guillotine. And I had to watch! I HAD TO WATCH THEM DIE. But they didn't die but became this energy that flowed together and into something new and then it came back to my heart.

And I felt better! I REALLY DID FEEL BETTER.

It was like I was facing something really scary and I didnt' want to admit that I was wrong or guilty. The feeling, I mean. Like a part of me would die if I admitted something like that. Or that I had outgrown something. Like... like I don't like Phoenix Ranger Featherman R anymore. When I was ten, I thought that I'd always like it. (My father selling them away DID HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT...)

Who am I, then? Why am I the same person that I was when I was ten? Am I? Am I just imagining things? How can I even trust my memories?

Morgana is cute when he's chasing something asleep. His feet are twitching and he makes this soft meow sound!

So Igor said that I'll understand everything in time and that I should make friends and gather personas. Become stronger and stronger and stronger and that way, avoid ruin.

Is this how I get better? That I need to dump all the old things in my life and just be born again? Rabidly let go of everything, not attach to anything and just live my life, and experience things and make them one, all the time one. Like the persona register the twin wardens keep. I can register my personas there and use REAL MONEY to buy them back.

I'm not sure what is happening here...

But I don't have much to lose... I was ready to kill myself after I got arrested...

This is better than dying. Back home...

I could have had revenge on my father by dying. Doing something really gross and letting him clean it up. Write a suicide note and publish it online and MAKE HIM SUFFER FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE.

But... but Suzui doing that and seeing Ann like that. Crying. Worrying. Kamoshida.

I don't want to die anymore. Not ever. I want to avenge Mishima and Ryuji and myself and ANN AND SUZUI

BECAUSE THE ASSHOLE HAS A ROOM FOR ~~SHIHO~~  SUZUI IN HIS PALACE (Ann talks about her that way but I'm not sure I should...)

I can't shake the images out of my head. And what I think he did to Suzui. I can't bear to think about it or write about it BUT IT'S IN MY HEAD. It hurts and I just feel my whole chest be like a stone cage, but it's not... I'm not sure if it's empty or just solid cold stone. I think I should cry but I just feel NOTHING but this... HATE. That I want to CRUSH KAMOSHIDA.

And I can because WE SWIPED THOSE SHADOWS IN THERE. Igor gave me a new power, like a third eye so I can see things other don't see! And we were jumping and slicing and kicking, shooting, casting spell powers and we work so WELL TOGETHER.

I actually can't wait to get back there.

I think my chest doesn't hurt like this in the palace. At all. That over there, I'm a different person. Still me, though, because I remember everything when I'm there. And I remember that castle here.

It's just that... I FEEL EVERYTHING SO DIFFERENTLY THERE. Like I'm focused, and my emotions aren't just this hellish tsunami that crushes me ten times a day. Or an HOUR. Am I the only one like this? Do Ann and Ryuji feel this, too? ALL THE TIME?

I need to read up on psychology.

Maybe I'll see H E R again that way, too...


	8. Chapter 8

**Tuesday 19th, evening**

Good things and bad things today. Ryuji told me about his family. He only has his mom left. His dad sounds like mine: he drunk all the time and beat her and Ryuji too. And then, Kamoshida told the team about it and Ryuji punched him. That's how the track team is no more and Ryuji... He became an outcast.

But he was feeling quite good, today. It's weird to see him talk about his parents like that. I looked at the first page of this diary and the way I talk about MY parents... Ryuji doesn't seem that bitter now. Why?? Shouldn't he be??? Is he letting his old man off too easy?? Or is it ME who's doing something wrong here?

Ryuji's super hateful of Kamoshida, though. Unlike me. I don't show anything outward, like he said... Is that why people think I'm dangerous? Because I could be anything?? Should I more positive on the outside? Or would that be dangerous, too? That would be lying, at least! I can't be positive on the outside when I'm hurting so much inside.

 

Morgana saw me get agitated. Now. Writing. He says he's not a cat, but he is an animal. Right here in the room. In class, when he's in my desk. When I get anxious, petting him often helps. Now, too.

There were good things today, too. I SHOULDN'T FORGET THEM.

Ryuji was excited about running. I got excited too. Running just for fun and for challenge... there's something about it. I don't know what. It helped.

Then I got home and me and Morgana clean up my room. He looked at stuff and kept me company and even did some stuff in his mouth. He's like a real cat, but helpful. I can breathe better here, now.

It feels weird to say that Morgana is cute, because he's not just a pet. And if he's human? I don't usually let humans sleep on me or scratch behind their ear. Or see humans licking their own balls... I wonder how he would feel like if I asked him that!

 

S h e was in the library but didn't even look in my direction when I passed her...

She's just so pretty...

 

**Wednesday April 20th**

I didn't want to go to the palace yesterday. It's dangerous and we need supplies and other things to think about. I'll see the doctor today.

...

I did. After school of course. I asked for the experimental medicine I heard about. She tried to brush me off and I felt really anxious about it but I don't if it's Ryuji or what's going in the palace or what BUT I WAS INSISTENT. She said I was annoying! And I didn't mind, I just kept going on persuaded her. It's like my heart sank and got back up again! Someone said I was annoying but then we had a good time.

Meaning I drank a weird medicine and passed out... She seemed shocked or amused. But if you ask me to do something like drink a foul-tasting medicine that takes guts, I'll do it! I also said on a whim that I'd work for her.

And just now, Sakura-san wanted to talk, too. He went on about laws and authority and stuff like that but he's impolite and gruff like a... I don't know how he can keep his customers. He's a hypocrite in a way. But I offered to help him because he talked about me and us and he just felt so burdened and I don't want to burden him. I said I want to learn how to make coffee and his face lightened up.

He's a weird old guy.

Am I just crazy because I think they both must have some sort of tarots, too? I got this surge of energy from talking to them! Am I imagining things??? Should I just fucking calm down some??

Or is that what friendships are and feel like?? Constant change? Maybe it's just my way of thinking about these things? Maybe I'll see this more clearly in the velvet room?? Or as Joker?

I started reading a book on Zorro, too. I borrowed it from the library on Monday because Morgana's persona is Zorro! I read it on the train and he's... weird. He's a masked avenger like we are. No superpowers, though. Reading about it was easier than usual, though. I kept thinking about the girl and how concentrated she was. It's like I could use her example, too.

Are people usually this way? Like that girl? Where does she get that energy and concentration? She just feels so... like herself. And Ryuji and Ann, too. They always feel like they are themselves, but my own feelings go this way and that way and I don't know who I am...

But Zorro... it's like he isn't bitter either. Like Ryuji. Why doesn't Ryuji have Zorro as his persona?

I think my bitterness makes me a bad person.

 

**Thursday, April 21st**  
Rain today. I like rain. It numbs out things and sounds nice. I don't have to think so much. I heard about a cafe in Shibuya and went and studied there. Drank too much coffee. I was almost shaking. I hope I can get sleep...

Sojiro-san said I can stay out longer, though, as long as I'm in Yongen. I was free to go out today, too, but he felt friendlier than usual and we just ended up talking a lot. He told me how he makes the coffee especially for his customers. He wasn't so hostile or gruff anymore. Maybe people can see through that. Through those words. Into what he does. Taste how he cares, even though his words are impolite.

He's not like my father AT ALL. I tried on the apron and Sojiro-san said I look like a true barista. I thought about what's weird about this... and I just realized that I was shocked or something because no adults have ever spoken to me like that. Mom, maybe, when I was a kid. When she was around.

I'm crying. Like the sky did today.

WHY IS SOJIRO-SAN LIKE THAT? Gruff in one second, really warm the next. Like a cup of coffee.

P.S. I'm trying to get sleep. But maybe Sojiro really is like coffee: an acquired taste. At first you think it tastes hostile and bitter, but see through it and it just feels really good inside.

PS2. I really did drink too much coffee.

But I think Sojiro could be the hierophant. The wise old guy.

 

**April 22th, Fri**

Evening.

R&A wanted to go to the palace but I just couldn't and I feel guilty... THE GIRL doesn't talk to me either. I think I shouldn't go to the library anymore. And just FORGET ABOUT HER. I'm just too much in LOVE WITH HEARTBREAK. It would be better to just carve out my heart with a knife. She'll never even look at my way but I heard her say a few words to someone there and her voice just melts my heart and even now, thinking about it, it's just so sweet and AND I NEVER HAVE HER!! WHY?!

Hung out with Sojiro-san again. He taught me to brew coffee! Blue Mountain beans from Jamaica or something are very high quality and I made some myself. It's not as good as Sojiro-san's (he said as much OF COURSE) but it's very good and I put some in the thermos. The palaces are so exhausting that I wonder how coffee is like over there.

I saw Ryuji after school and worked out again. His ex-teammates annoyed him and he almost got mad. I said that he should calm down. He he, I said that he should get angry in the palace and that he should calm down in the real life. Pretty conflicted... But Ryuji WAS happy about it! He didn't hit them back. He said he hasn't changed AT ALL, but he's way too hard on himself. He's very good in the palace and he didn't hit those guys either.

They're all much better people than I am...

**Saturday 23rd**

We had our toughest battles yet in the palace. I'm too exhausted to write about it.

But Ryuji and me, we're a good team. An angel of justice or something almost cut us down, but first I sucked some life out of it and then Ryuji saw his chance and had this AWESOME GRIN on his face and he just BURST OUT like a runner! An explosive attack! He just mowed that bastard DOWN and then we all moved in on it and YES IT EXPLODED INTO DUST.

In the palace, in the downtime, I thought about the doctor. Is she Death? It would fit her. A little medicine: good. Too much medicine: poison. Just like death in the metaphorical sense, like what happened to my personas in the guillotine. Something has to die so that something else can be born.

But what I would REALLY LIKE is some real RELAXATION. Maybe after Kamoshida? Forget all this. ~~Ask the student council pre~~

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Sunday 24th**

There's stuff about Kamoshida that I just don't want to think or write about.

I looked through the journal here. At first I wrote every chance I got. Now, it's more like I write in the evenings.

Except now when it's the morning...

 

**Evening**

I got a part-time job. I got money, but the work... I'd want something challenging, not just standing around a counter and taking money. But I think I'm just not good enough. For anything.

I'd better forget about the stupid council president too. Fuck her and fuck this stupid life. I'll never get anyone, or anything good for myself. Yeah, I can fight monsters, but who cares? Who even knows about it? I'm just this guy who spaces out and everyone talks shit about.

We should we even steal the guy's treasure? It's not like anyone knows who did it. We'll get the revenge and just keep eating dirt like we used to. Easy for Zorro who's rich and powerful to begin with and the common people can appreciate his heroism. I'm just a nobody who only stands out because everyone thinks I'm a drug-addict murderer.

 

…

That Kamoshida. He has a CHAPEL IN HIS PALACE. With a huge statue of himself. In the gym where he makes a fucking mess of everyone else. He thinks he's better than everyone else because he's a sadist??? Just because he has the power to ruin lives he is a fucking GOD? And he talks about himself like he's the Emperor.

…

The cat is fucking stupid and annoying.

…

It said I looked so angry writing in my journal that I might try working out.

I did and I was half dead on the floor.

But at least I didn't think as much. About the bad things. I'm half dead but at least I'm not thinking too much.

I hate it when the stupid cat is right.

But I kind of love him too.

Working out almost brings out an other self. With Ryuji, too. He's energy bleeds into me. And when I push past my limits, like Morgana said, it's like I... push past me.

I like how the cat talks.

Maybe I should try pushing past my limits here, too? Be someone else? Fake it till you make it, like the Americans say.

But wouldn't I lose myself in that case? AGAIN?

 

 

**Monday 25th April**

Tiger balm!

Tiger balm!

My human-cat for some tiger balm!

My muscles HURT.

I managed to finish Zorro. It said that Zorro was a gentleman even to his enemy. And to the common people, too.

But being a gentleman? To the likes of Kamoshida and the drunken rapist????

Is changing a heart being a gentleman?

How could I ever forgive such crimes??? The evil they have done?? Doesn't it call out for justice? For BLOOD?

I'm not sure how the Zorro story makes me feel. Because the injustice in it HURTS and I wanted him to KILL THEM BRUTALLY. Vent out all the hurt of the victims into an act of TOTAL REVENGE and more.

 

**Lunchtime**  
I learned an interesting thing in second period. A couple of hours after I wrote that thing. Life is strange. I talk about revenge and then in class, it was about ”an eye for an eye”. It sounds horrible, but it replaced something much worse: a chaotic cycle of revenge and blood. I guess how horrible things are depends on history, too!

I returned Zorro and borrowed a book on Carmen.

I stayed in the library and tried to study. OUT OF SPITE. EVERYONE was whispering about how come the troublemaker is here and stupidity precedent council girl was there too, ignoring me as usual, and I stayed there. Take that, morons. I'll study wherever I want to.

Didn't get tiger balm, but a medicinal bath. They say it's good for the skin. I'll be the sexiest troublemaker on earth. Eat shit, haters.

 

 

**Apr Tue 26**

I'm feeling super sexy and confident and I'll ask the girl out today!

Ann and Ryuji asked me to the palace but I think we need money more so we can buy weapons.

I'll apply for a job in a flower shop called Rafflesia in Shibuya. It pays more than the convenience store. But I have ZERO interest in FLOWERS.

 

**Evening...**

 

The flower shop...

made me... cry. Once I got there, the proprietor smiled at me like she really, really liked me. Then she showed me how to do the job. I just hated it at first. ROSES. ORCHIDS. LILIES. SUNFLOWERS. Like these... HOW HAS TIME FOR BEAUTY IN A WORLD LIKE THIS.

An old couple came by holding hands. They wanted to buy bouquets for each other. I didn't make it, the proprietor did, but just watching those two... and how she made the bouquets for them.

WHY COULDN'T I FEEL JUST HAPPY FOR THEM? But also this strong bitterness and hardness and sadness.

I got home. Exercised. Then just fell down crying. I pet Morgana.

I feel better now, though. It's like something has fallen off my chest...

I wish my mom would stop drinking and be more like Ryuji's mom. I think she could be a good person like that. Without father.

 

**Wed 27 Apr**

  
I didn't ask the girl out yesterday... She was just sitting there, nose in her books. Doesn't she ever do ANYTHING ELSE?

We're at the palace now. I bought a new weapon for Ann.

I...

am scared to write this.

I killed Arsene.

I let the wardens execute him. They put a bag on his head and put him in a guillotine and I couldn't help but watch. I can't turn my head away from it. EVER. None of those executions. It's like... it's NOT like I'm forced to watch them. Caroline and Justine don't hold my head still and my eyes open. But... it's like I don't know, then and there, that there's even an OPTION to look away. It's like it's all happening in my heart. A piece of me, torn away from me, and killed.

But Arsene... laughed about it.

And said we'll meet again??

Is it... this is the part I'm scared to write...

I feel like I should laugh about it, too.

Killing a part of myself.

But it doesn't feel like suicide. And I don't feel weaker for killing Arsene. I feel STRONGER.

FOR KILLING?

We need to get going...

Safe room again.

Kamoshida's castle is just... one big TOMB of lust. Ann looks like she's sick. I'm repulsed too so it must be something horrible for her. We talked about it. If she's okay. It looks like she's struggling with it. But that gives her strength to keep fighting. I just hope she doesn't exhaust herself.

We all want justice. Us guys don't want to get expelled.

But I'm worried that one of us will be blinded by the revenge. Is this what Zorro was about? If we're full of rage and justice (JUSTIFIED RAGE), we might do something really stupid.

 

 

**Evening**

We reached the treasure room. We were all amazed. So much gold! The sky we saw out of the window was... something out of Sanguinebred, the To Software game. And in the middle of it all, a hazy thing. Something intangible. Morgana said it's the treasure in its raw form and we need to send the bastard a calling card to let him know WE ARE COMING. Then the treasure will materialize and WE

CAN

STEAL

IT

 

**Thu 28 Apr**  
Worked at the flower store. Easier this time. I made my first bouquet. Large, brightly colored flowers. I don't remember their names anymore... I was so excited! Made one customer really very happy.

Lockpicks.

 

**Fri 29 Apr**  
Showa day. Hung out at town. We're sending the calling card today.

I can barely hold the pen. Ryuji said he'll write the calling card.

Sojiro-san said I have a scowl on my face. Excitement? Panic? Anger? Hate?

I hate it when someone can see emotions on my face.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Sat 30 Apr**

Read about cleaning on the train. I couldn't concentrate very well.

But cleaning is supposed to calm the mind.

I HAVE felt a little better after I cleaned up the attic.

We'll clean up Kamoshida today. That should bring someone a peace of mind.

Please, let me have some peace of mind, too.

I can barely breathe.

 

...

  
We went almost straight to the treasure room. I wanted to open some chests first.

 

And to blow off some steam by killing shadows... Some hero I am.

…

The treasure had materialized into a gigantic crown. (Mona went crazy over it and it was kind of funny but I don't feel funny now.)

We fought Kamoshida. Almost got killed. He was huge. A demon. A gigantic demon. Lust, spit, licking tongue, literally eating women from a cup, throwing volleyballs at us, staring at Ann. Making up excuses for what he was and why he did what he did.

He blamed others. A bitter, resentful man.

And true... others allowed his actions. Teachers, parents, students. They didn't put an end to what he was doing because they benefited from what he did. BASTARDS.

**At night**

Something kept me up. Maybe guilt. Hypocrisy.

So I read through this journal. How am I any better than Kamoshida...? I'm bitter, too. The times I've blamed my dad here. The times I've almost wrote about what I want to do to my bullies, back at home and here, too. If I keep going like this, will I just turn into dad? Or KAMOSHIDA?? I'd rather shoot myself in the face.

Everyone's talking like it's just... actions that define us. What we do. Like that's the only thing that matters. That we could act one way and try to keep our heart at bay.

But Kamoshida. His HEART WAS ROTTEN. It was not just his actions. I mean...

This is difficult. I'm trying to get my head around it.

I too feel the rottenness of my own heart. Sometimes. Ryuji's too, in his anger. Can our hearts rot like that, too? To what Kamoshida was?

What was my father like when he was my age? I've seen a photo of him in a school uniform. He SMILED. In a baseball team. With FRIENDS. TRIM, not alcoholic and lazy. He smiled more than I do these days.

It's not enough that we act well.

OUR HEARTS MUST BE PURIFIED, TOO. Otherwise we will stray into evil acts. Otherwise we will turn evil until we realize it. Hurt others. Be blinded to our own evil.

 

 

 **Sunday 1st May**  
I couldn't even keep rejoicing about our victory before I got all gloomy yesterday...

Kamoshida said that adults and students helped him do what he did. Allowed him. They were guilty, too, he said. Were they? How much guilt can we take for someone else? How much does one person fighting against injustice count? Ann resisted. Kamoshida took it out on Suzui.

I think that the thing that separates me from Kamoshida and my father is change.

Kamoshida's personality was twisted around his olympic medal. Pain and rot, jealousy, wrapped around his self-centered view of the world. The only thing that mattered: he and his past glory. He couldn't let it go. See past it.

But I killed Arsene. The thing that gave me strength. Gave me life. Gave me friends.

And still, I'm here. I feel Arsene in me, too. I remember what he sounded like, what he made me feel. What he looked like. He's in Mokoi, the persona I made him into.

I think this is what the Buddhists say about non-attachment. Be prepared to let go of anything. New things will come. Attachment leads to suffering.

 

**Monday 2nd May**

I bought a book of poetry because mine are so bad. I found something by an ancient Persian poet called Rumi.

Die! Die!  
Die in this love!  
If you die in this love  
your soul will be renewed

Die! Die!  
Don’t fear the death  
of that which is known  
If you die to the temporal  
you will become timeless

Die! Die!  
Cut off those chains  
that hold you prisoner  
to the world of attachment

Die! Die!  
Die to the deathless  
and you will be eternal

Die! Die!  
and come out of this cloud  
When you leave the cloud  
you will be in the effulgent moon

Die! Die!  
Die to the din and the noise  
of mundane concerns  
In the silence of love  
you will find the spark of life

…

So...

I guess...

That's a LOT better than a suicide.

And... I'm not sure I killed Arsene. It's more like I let him go. But it felt like a betrayal at first. Like I was killing someone. Now... it (he?) still lives in me, in some way. It's not like we were talking regularly anyway...

And now for the GREAT BIT.

Kamoshida confessed to EVERYTHING. In front of the WHOLE SCHOOL. People came to Ann and Ryuji saying they're sorry. Mishima, too, apologized. Kamoshida groveled on the stage and wanted to kill himself and ANN WAS SO GOOD! She stopped forward and yelled that no you won't, you'll take responsibility for what you do! Damn, she's BRAVE. She wasn't even... the troublemaker kind, but like a true hero. She spoke out AND SPOKE FOR JUSTICE.

She was so good in the palace too! We thought she might kill Shadow Kamoshida but she didn't, even though she was FULL of rage and I can't believe what she must've been through with him.

And still... Ryuji and Ann felt pity for him. He WAS a pile of pity, on stage. None of his usual bullshit. He was a completely different guy. I'm...

I REALLY WANT TO HATE HIM.

…

But he wasn't the same guy anymore.

…

Can I steal my father's heart?

…

I'll put this book away now.

 

**Bedtime**

Suzui regained consciousness. I think I'm happy about it. I want to be! I have every reason to be. I think I am. And I'm laughing at Mona now, at what he was in the treasure room on Saturay. He usually tries to be this cool and smart person, smarter than everyone else, and he's so sure that he's a human. But when he saw the crown, he just went FULL MEOW-ROOWWW and jumped onto the crown and almost humped it like it was a lady cat covered in catnip. A CAT HUMPING A HUMAN-SIZED CROWN.

Teh phantom theef can haz treshur? It's feline to the b o n e.

 

Maybe this will be the start of something new! We're going to celebrate, too!


	11. Chapter 11

**Tue 3rd May**

  
Helped out Sojiro.

Hate to admit it, but washing dishes all day was probably the best thing ever. No decisions, no stress about expulsion, not needing to see people. Dirty plate, wash it. Dirty cup, wash it. Warm water, warm plate, warm cup. Forks going clink in the sink.

What Sojiro said about my face, I never realized it myself. And what Ryuji said, I had no idea about it, either. I thought I was being like everyone else.

Is that why the student council president doesn't notice me? Doesn't give a shit about who I am?

 

**Wed 4th May**

  
Sojiro me to help out again but a woman came by and I got a good chance to leave. She looked familiar in some way.

...

ADRENALINE. I sold Kamoshida's treasure! There were cops outside his place and the guy I sold to is gruff, feels like a criminal (there's even a tattoo on his neck) but friendly. My heart beat f a s t just from selling it and then the cops showed up and almost searched me and me and the yakuza just said that no, you can't search me. I'm all sweaty now and it was f u n.

I just walked around Shibuya and Yongen after that. It got my heart beating so fast that I had to do SOMETHING to calm myself down. I couldn't even read. I just couldn't concentrate on anything.

But I have the money and we're going to CELEBRATE TOMORROW.

 

**Thu 5 May**

We ate at the Wilton Hotel buffet.

It fun quite until... Ann and Ryuji said they'd got us food, too, and just brought as some beans and something, all mixed up on a plate. I was...

frustrated.

Angry. DISAPPOINTED.

I bit my teeth because it was time to celebrate. And Morgana spoke up. At least they know they did wrong. Or at least Morgana SAID they did wrong.

And then I heard adults talking about Kamoshida. They didn't believe in us. They didn't care about... anything. Rich and heartless. They didn't even want us there.

Some party. But we got food. And almost sick from eating so much. Ryuji did. He puked up. Serves him right.

But then some adults bossed us around. Almost punched Ryuji who had the guts to talk back. I didn't.

I wish I did.

Then I just felt dizzy for some reason. One of the adults just made me feel incredibly bad. Anxiety attack? His voice was just the kind of self-important voice some men have. Like the guy who sued me and put me here.

It was a little better then.

Not much of a party. But we felt angry together. Ann, too.

I guess that's something.

And because we were...

We're going to keep on being Phantom Thieves. I'll be their leader.

I do feel like shit.

But maybe I can make the world a better place. For others.

…

That stupid cat again. He sensed I was feeling down. So I worked out.

Ann and Ryuji are actually really sweet. I feel good about this.

I feel really good about this.

We WILL make a difference. Bring justice and spread courage. So that no one will have to suffer.

There's...

Even a website thanking us.

...

I'm happy Morgana is here. I started crying. He was beside me and I pet him and he purred. He is a real cat.

We have fans.


	12. Chapter 12

**Fri 6 May**

My dreams are getting weirder...

I was in the school library but it wasn't really the school library because there was also a stage there. I came on it with my Joker costume. The whole school was there and I kept dancing. I was like a ballet dancer and moved like I move in the palace. But I kept looking at the crowd like someone should be there but wasn't. It was just a mass of unknowns and I couldn't even make out their faces. Then I tripped and someone kicked me and I sort of heard but didn't hear someone say that I failed. Then I was in the velvet room again and I talked to the wardens and Igor. They even complimented me and Igor said I can be rehabilitated. I can remember everything from the velvet room, but it still feels like... a dream... in some way. I can't explain it. When I remember what it was like, it FEELS the same as a dream. It feels like a usual weird dream in that WHAT IS MY BRAIN THINKING ABOUT????? But it's not. Is Igor real? Are the wardens real? Or are they just my brain at work??? How do they know about the tarot?

The wardens said I should talk to people more.

Yeah, I know... It's... they're just like me. Caroline and Justine. My inner voices. The other one is nice and encouraging. The other one punishes and kicks me and wants to whip me.

Morgana pesters me to stop writing and go to school.

...

Kawakami talked about how she thought Kamoshida was just a normal guy. To adults?? To kids he was just one big asshole! How do they see him so differently? Are they just about his medals? Or his power?

Kamoshida... SOMEONE THOUGHT HE WAS A NICE GUY???

But speaking about nice guys. Mishima, the volley baller, came up to me and said he put up the website. He thinks we're the Phantom Thieves and said he wants to help.

I guess he wants to make up for obeying Kamoshida and spreading rumors about me. I somehow can't feel angry for him. I saw him being beaten up by Kamoshida. He has a soft voice, like the wind might carry it off, and he's frail. Maybe he can help. Maybe I can help him.

It's tough to say this about someone, but he's probably the Moon. He's very insecure and anxious. Like I could scare him off with just clapping my hands.

I came to the library. S h e isn't here anymore!

But cops are.

People in the library said s h e might be working for the principal.

Anxiety. Need something now!

...

Avoiding cops feels GOOD. I can walk right past their noses and they'll never know ANYTHING.

And people all over town are now talking about Kamoshida!

…

EVENING NEWS: Sojiro-san gave me the key! And the permission to move in the evening! Life is looking good again! I'M GOING OUT.

Where have you been?  
Been searching all along  
Came facing twilight on and on  
Without a clue  
Without a sign

I can't tell you  
How to see me  
Just a cage of bones  
There's nothing inside

I just walked in the nighttime Shibuya! It's so... there's lights everywhere! And so many people! Traffic! Life! It's magical! But I needed something to do so I took another job... This time at the Beef Bowl Restaurant. Maybe I can get personnel discounts and take Ryuji there. I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF. It was hectic so it took my mind off things. I feel better now. Much better.

 

**Sat 7 May**

Before sunrise!

I kept wondering why I got so little done yesterday...

I just kept looking for HER. What's wrong with me??? She'll never want me. I should stay away from her. Otherwise she'll think I'm some stalker weirdo. Ann and Ryuji both wanted to talk to me, but I just kept looking for her and went to have a coffee in the Shibuya cafe... She didn't show up there, either.

At least I did study some. Tests are coming up.

And got very little sleep. Good thing I kept drinking all that coffee yesterday.

Yesterday's poem does look better than earlier. I actually like those lines!

Thinking about it...

I did get a LOT done yesterday.

Yesterday Kawakami sad that we all have different sides to us. Even if we're not messed in the head.

I guess that's true. Ann is different with Ryuji than she is with me. Morgana is completely different with Ryuji than with ”Ann-dono”.

It's easy to see in a friend.

Myself? I don't know who I am.

Same with being strict. I can think bad things about my friends, but I always help them out. Myself? I just keep punishing myself.

…

 

**Lunchbreak**

I wrote FRIENDS and didn't even stop to think about it.

My life has turned upside down in a MONTH. LESS THAN A MONTH.

 

…

 

NIIJIMA-SENPAI!!!!!!

HER NAME IS NIIJIMA.

And she knows that I'm a troublemaker...

HER VOICE! EYES! SHE'S SMART! I barely could say a WORD in her presence. Ryuji seems to hate her but HOW COULD I.

And talk about a busy day full of revelations, MORGANA TURNED INTO A BUS. We drove around in a ghost version of the subway and fought shadows and a city clerk. A stalker. A good reminder for me that I really shouldn't stalk NIIJIMA-SENPAI.

Even her name sets my heart beating...

And so does Mementos! It was intense. INTENSE. Like a subway tunnel deep inside earth but it had veins in the walls. Like a subway built into a giant. Teeming with shadows, like Morgana said.

The clerk himself was a piece of cake! I was expecting a Kamoshida fight or something like that, but he was PUNY. He said there's a guy called Madarame we should go after. We wanted to but Morgana had other plans. He can be pretty bossy. Although I'm the leader?! Why can't I argue with him?? I just... feel like I don't have the right. With some people, I do have the guts. Like the doctor. With Morgana...

 

**Night, sleepless**

Can't sleep... I really should put some more effort into my writing. And my vocabulary. THAT GIRL IS SO SMART. Maybe I can have her that way! Show her that I'm not that bad. But she's on the side of the principal and I'm not. How could this work...? Though she did say that she isn't too happy about it either and she's just doing her job AND WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT????? WHY CAN'T I JUST FALL FOR SOMEONE NORMAL. ALWAYS THE IMPOSSIBLE ONES.

And Mementos... That's the other thing I keep thinking. We met Slime there. It's a persona I have. As a shadow... they self-destructed. Just bulged some and exploded.

I can't do that. My persona can't do that.

Am I really not that bad, then? The personas don't let me kill myself. I have them in my mask or my heart. Which is weird, because in the metaverse they're in my mask but I feel them in my heart in the real world. When I keep the Slime closest to my heart in the metaverse or the real world, I don't feel any more self-destructive than... usual.

What a light-hearted thing to say...

Shadow is the dark side. Persona is the good side.

If I kill the shadow, it keeps coming back.

If I talk to it and risk its wrath, I can tame it.

 

**Sun 8 May**

Mishima seems eager to ~~make up for~~ reconcile his earlier deeds. He's kind but he makes me uncomfortable. It's hard to talk with him. He's so excited about the Phan-Site as he calls it, and about trying to do good, that I feel like I don't know him. All I can think of is either shutting him down or giving him compliments and I don't like that. He's definitely trying to cover up something about himself.

And I feel guilty.

  
**Mon 9 May**

 

Takanashi. A guy in school. His shadow almost kicked our asses.

I know we stole his heart but damn I would like to punch his real world face in.

The whole trip there was ONE BIG MISTAKE. Well, we did survive, but we just kept going on and on and on because WE'RE THE PHANTOM THIEVES AND WE CAN DO THIS AND ALMOST DIE.

…

I don't understand Sojiro. One day he's sweet, the other gruff again. He talks he doesn't keep guys' phone numbers in his phone and that I shouldn't trust anyone. That they'll just stab you in the back. Still he trusts me. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM.

 

**Tue 10 May**

HOOOOOLY SHIIIIITTTT

NIIJIMA-SENPAI TALKED TO ME ON THE SUBWAY PLATFORM

And she was both so CALM AND PRETTY and INQUISITIVE

She says she'll inspect us and I'm sure that either I will just shut down and die COMPLETELY or spill EVERYTHING. My brain stops working with her!!

Since when does the secret police use agents like that?!?!?

…

I can barely concentrate in school! I was just about to think that I should forget everything about HER and SHE STARTS CONVERSATIONS WITH ME???

...

Inui-sensei talked about people favoring the underdog, I hope he's right.

…

Niijima-senpai IS ASKING PEOPLE ABOUT ME?????? I saw her in the hallway talking to some guy and passed her by and she looked at me and she did smile some! But then she looked down again and looked at the guy she was talking to!

…

And I just spent the entire day STUDYING. Tests are coming up starting tomorrow. I was in the cafe for hours and then Ryuji texted me and wanted to study together and MAN I'm spent. My brain's on overdrive. I'm not giving up! No matter what! We will fight for justice, and no one will find out. They can't find out because it's impossible! And I will ACE those tests.


	13. Chapter 13

**Sat 14 May**  
I have been reading for the entire week! Focusing on studies. I'm acing these! It's not perfect, I know, but it's good enough. That's what matters, here. And that's how I'll also ward off any doubts Niijima-senpai has about me...

It's like my writing is becoming different, too. Reading does help in verbal expressivity!

We also confirmed Ann's suspicions. A pupil of an artist called Madarame followed her and wanted her to be his next model. His body language was grandiose and over the top. No doubt in his mind he thinks he's a genius and the next big thing in art!

  
 **Sun 15 May**  
We went to see Madarame's exhibition. Ann ran off with the pupil. Ryuji did some prying into Madarame who was granting an audience to a group of reporters. He can be really smart and said that to Morgana on the way back. He keeps pestering Ryuji and Ryuji keeps pestering him and they just can't take a joke from each other. Everything they say gets under their skin. I talked with Morgana now and he admitted that Ryuji can be pretty useful. He doesn't know why Ryuji annoys him so. I wanted to say that he should really be nicer to him but I couldn't make myself do that.

 

 **Mon 16 May**  
Ryuji picked a fight with Kitagawa-kun. The pupil. We wanted to see what he would tell us of Madarame. But both the pupil and the master seemed like really nice people — until Morgana suggested we try out the Metaverse Navigator. Madarame DOES have a palace that he thinks is a museum! And it is l u x u r i o u s! Nothing like the shack he lives in in the real world. There are paintings of his pupils: Kitagawa and the clerk. I think I also saw a couple of others familiar faces, too. There was a monument to him in the museum and it seems like he doesn't even paint his own paintings, but his slave-students do them for him.

Ann said that we should confirm our suspicions before acting but WHAT IS THERE TO DOUBT? He is abusing kids and stealing their work! And unlike Kamoshida, his monstrosity stays hidden! Even Kitagawa-kun speaks highly of him! He will NEVER speak about the teacher, I swear. He has a palace, so he has a corrupt heart, so he needs to GO.

WHY can't I say that out loud?! But just keep listening to Ann and Ryuji?

 

 **Tue 17 May**  
We've sat for hours here while Kitagawa is trying to paint Ann. I've been studying some and reading poetry.

Kitagawa is a weird person. He has a deep voice and he... is like a work of art himself. I don't know if he's ridiculous or respectable or scary. I don't understand him at all.

…

We just left. He admits that Madarame isn't painting. He says it's because of artist's block. And now he wants to paint Ann nude. Without me and Ryuji being there.

I don't why I'm feeling like this and I don't even know what I'm feeling. I'm just numb.

A reporter gave me her calling card outside of Madarame's shack. Ohya Ichiko. Why me? Ryuji and Ann were talking more.

I got home and I just want to rest and my phone keeps beeping and people keep calling me.

 

 **Wed 18 May**  
Nakanohara approached us in Shibuya. He was once Madarame's pupil. The old man is just using people and when N left him, he ruined his career in the art world. Ruined his dreams.

Do I have dreams??

At all?

No?

Saving people. Like Kitagawa-kun here.

…

Dreams?

Asking Niijima-senpai out on a date.

…

Dreams?

Never have to see to my father again.

 

 **Evening**  
Palace today. And velvet room. I talked more with Caroline and Justine. Justine is the kinder one, but also more calm and serious. Caroline is nastier, but also more passionate.

Much like the strength tarot: an angel taming the lion. But what are they using their strength for? And how are they outsiders, like Igor said all my friends will be?

…

Writing stuff like this feels... like I'm out of my mind. I talk to some people and I just make them into tarot cards? And start thinking about their life and how they fit into a framework that a long-nosed guy in a dream prison told me about? I can't shake the thought, though, and I can't shake feeling crazy about it.

Maybe I should just give in to Niijima-senpai. Say I did it. Get expelled from school. It would all be easier that way. It least I wouldn't have to worry about those things anymore. Not FIGHT anymore. ALL THE TIME. It feels like all I've done FOREVER is just fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, bear the burden, lead, learn something completely new that shakes my world to the core (REVELATORY). When can I rest?? And not just a short rest in the bathhouse, but a REAL REST.

 

**Night**

Was what I wrote above...

the sort of thing that the card Strength talks about? Passion. That was passion there. Me raging and being desperate. Can I reason with it?

The roman letters in the warden's hats... O Y O and X M R N. I will look into those... later.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thu 19 May**

  
Ann is brave. Courageous. She has guts and I admire her. She went into Madarame's house with just Morgana with her and they managed to open a door in there. It was necessary for us to proceed in the palace. It was Madarame's dirtiest secret and from Ann told me, the old man is DESPICABLE. Lying through his teeth, keeping Kitagawa-kun sheltered and using him as a tool, not letting him live.

I have been manipulated myself, but I just can't imagine what Kitagawa-kun is feeling... He dropped into the metaverse with us and faced with the facts, it was like he was struck with a deep pain. Emotions overwhelmed his reason, he said. Seeing him in pain like that almost made me collapse as well. He was brought up by a monster. A lying monster. And now he saw the truth.

Madarame is a whole different kind of evil from Kamoshida. K used physical force and terror. Madarame plays the part of a humble old man, asks for forgiveness. He is very good at justifying his own behavior, his lies. His... reprehensibility. I bet he is lying to himself, as well. I know all too well how that works.

Kitagawa-kun is incredible. I envy his resolve. He has been lied to for all his life. He doesn't know anything about his real father. His mother died when he was three. Being brought up by a monster. And now he admits how he was covering up the truth. To four complete strangers.

I wish I had that kind of honesty. That kind of integrity. To only have one persona. Not be so lost among all my different sides, emotions. It's as if I'm a totally different person with other people. Isn't that what this means? Everyone else has one persona and a strong personality. I'm lost in a sea of... human souls, like the shadows say when they remember they aren't shadows but personas.

So are palaces and the metaverse just humanity's psyche reversed? Like tarot cards? And the only true shadows are people's dark hearts? Only around those dark hearts, personas become tainted, become shadows?

 

**Fri 20 May**

I did well on the tests! It made me feel good, really good! My efforts paid off and it's like people look at me differently now.

I also did some shopping. And I ran into Niijima-senpai again, in the mall, this time.

First I don't see her anywhere. Now she's everywhere? Great. For once a girl I'm into pays attention to me and it's because she's doing it to keep an eye on me.

…

Ryuji took me to a ramen place in Ogikubo. ~~Good~~  Delicious food! We talked about being outcasts. It's not all bad. We're maybe not popular, but we have met each other. Earlier, I tried to be popular and wanted friends but never had any. In Tokyo, I had barely gotten here when I made friends who didn't want to be friends because of what I could give them or because I was popular. There's something deeper between us.

That makes me feel very good.

So I used the good mood to help out the politician in Shibuya. He seems very honest, both in his speeches and afterwards. He didn't hide his values or his weaknesses. People don't seem to believe him or give him any credit. But still he went on and believes what he says.

**Sat 21 May**

  
Ann is a great person. She had talked with Shiho and they're even more close now than before. She also wants to strengthen own heart and help people more.

Her kindness is almost... overwhelming?? But it doesn't feel overwhelming. It's... more like... the magnitude of her kindness is beyond what I can do? Or even understand?

 

 **Sun 22 May**  
I thought I would just hang out in Shibuya... But then I saw someone homeless who said he'd been a student of Madarame's and immediately afterwards ran into Yusuke too. I took that as a sign to go to the palace.

 

 **Safe room**  
Yusuke is a great fighter! And we all work great together. Becoming friends and trusting each other feels SO GOOD while fighting shadows!

 

**Safe room, another one**

We're stretching our limits. A lot of us have been down, knocked down, by enemies. Using the powers of personas is almost like a drug. I feel like I can do ANYTHING. Jump on enemies, do somersaults in midair, tear off masks from shadows, tear fear itself into shreds by the power of my heart alone.

But we almost got killed. Madarame's heart contains big, hairy beasts that can take us down with one well-placed blow. The fur ignites easily and we can keep them contained, but once we had to face two of them at the same time and a Jack Frost. They almost killed us.

Also, note to self: I need garu skills. Versatility.

Also: weirdest day of my life. We walked in PAINTINGS. My whole field of vision became distorted and the colors were weird and everything was two-dimensional. It was disorienting! We could hear Madarame speak his wildest theories and it was like... we were trapped inside a madman, and not just his heart or his thoughts, but his view on art as well. Imagine being forced to see the world through someone else's eyes and hear their thoughts, too. And not just how their eyes see the world, but how they see the world as paintings???

...

Google gives a definition for oxymoron: ”a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction”... I needed to check up the meaning of those words, to make sure I got them right.

If I did get it right, it's like ”dark light” or ”soft hardness”. Or ”reasonable emotion”. Or ”Caroline Justine”. That seems to

I HAD AN IDEA

When I'm in the metaverse, I feel like a different person. There's Ren, and there's Joker. As Joker, I can use my pain for good and it's like I forget it all. As Ren, I'm more of a prisoner to it all. In palaces, I feel like Ren in safe rooms. I want to GO BACK to being Joker. Even if it means risking my life. ALL our lives. I don't want to go back to being myself.

 

Could I one day be Joker in the real world, too? Or a combination of Ren and Joker? Instead of this timid shell of a person? A prison for a numb void?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note on the people Ren meets and his intuitions about them, especially Akechi. Ren's reactions aren't just nifty story-telling devices; they reflect my own experiences. Sometimes I've felt oddly safe with someone that really wasn't safe for me. 
> 
> Sometimes people who feel familiar to us are similar to us, but not to our best side. Sometimes they feel familiar and safe, but they actually remind us of circumstances we should leave behind. Alcoholics' children, for example, tend to seek out the same sort of discomfort and drama that they experience in theirchildhood.

**Mon 13 Jun**

Lunchtime.

Thinking about the velvet room...... There's a feeling in my body. It feels like there's more space. Igor said I can carry more personas now and it feels like...

I need to pay attention to this.

Do my personas affect who I am? I can't carry them all with me at the same time. I don't know what's happening or how I know it, but I have eight with me now: two for Death, Chariot, Lovers, Fool, Hierophant, Devil, and Sun. I think they help me get along with people. I understand Ryuji better when I have a persona Chariot with me, for example. I have much less patience for his aggressiveness when I don't.

A while ago Toranosuke-san asked me to accompany him to his speech but I said no because I didn't have a persona of the Sun with me at the moment.

I'm...

Don't know how to feel about this? Normal people aren't like this? They don't need to actually PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY CARRY WITH THEM EACH DAY? But they can just be themselves and not worry about stuff like who I might see today or what should I be prepared for.

...

Rainy season and the...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE.

Me and Niijima-senpai on the subway. Her name is Makoto. Niijima Makoto. But it wasn't...

She found out. Recorded Ryuji and Ann talking. She talked with me in the student council room and wanted me to take her to everyone else.

On the subway... It was scary and uncertain, but... never uncomfortable.

I had every reason to be uncomfortable there but I...

I just wanted to hold her hand.

She can rat us all out and she has some plans for tomorrow and I can't stop thinking about how close we were in the crowded subway and what she smells like.

Am I selling out the Phantom Thieves because I have a crush on her?

I don't even know where all the time went. In the cafe with the others, speculating about tomorrow, worrying. On the subway. Listening to the raindrops pummeling on the umbrella. Mona kept pestering me to talk. I walked in the rain just to drown his words out.

We got home and I don't want to do anything.

Just lying on the mattress and listening to the rain and...

I fall in love and even that sucks.

 

**Tue 14 Jun**

  
I'm happy that I can pet Morgana when he's in my school desk.

I wonder what other people hear his whispers as. Purring? Constant meows?

We have two weeks to deal with a mafia boss.

Yusuke is smart. The smartest of us. He is in a slump now, though, and wants me to help with his art. He said how art comes straight from the heart.

Maybe I'll write some, too.

I'm a shapeshifter  
What else should I be?  
Please don't take off my mask  
Revealing dark

Is that from my heart? What is the heart? Do I speak from my heart, or is there something in between? A mask? If I write about a mask, is it my heart or my mask speaking?

Doesn't a persona come straight from the heart's strength? And a shadow is a distorted heart? Yusuke thought he couldn't create true, pure art right now, but something material, I think it was. Born of this material world. He wants to go beyond it. Why does he have a persona but can't express it in the real world?

 

**Wed 15 Jun**

We discussed acid rain in class.

All the things I love are corrosive.

 

**Thu 16 Jun**

Yesterday we tracked down news about the criminals in Shibuya. Niijima-senpai didn't know anything herself. But I think she wants us to succeed. I heard she has even argued with the principal.

I've been reading and bathing the whole week. I feel better.

...

This day, too. Tracking down criminals.

All of my energy goes into doing detective work.

...

I think I'm exaggerating, though. I have read and bathed. I wrote that above just a few hours ago. I get a lot of things done! Why am I not happier about it? I could and should be. Niijima-senpai complimented me today, and even phoned me and apologized.

I feel numb.

 

**Fri 17 Jun**

Evening  
I saw Akechi-kun on the train platform today. Was it today? I think it was. He has a silver-colored briefcase with a circled A on it. I'm not sure if that is smug and self-centered, or confident in a good way.

He really is a pretty boy. I don't wonder girls are all over him. He has a pleasant voice and a wide smile. But I don't think that's all there is to him. I don't know why. I think he is interested in me as a person, and not just because of my opinions on the phantom thieves.

I like the way his smile makes me feel. But at the same time, I can't... fully relax with him.

Our crew gathered in a karaoke bar. I wanted to sing Gackt's Love Letter. The people next door were too noisy, though, and we needed to talk over our situation. Or should I say discuss our predicament? Is that something Yusuke would say? Or Niijima-senpai? Their smartness is contagious.

even now, you're still by my side  
smiling at me with that sweet smile...

I texted the journalist Ohya Ichiko. I'm at the diner in Shibuya now, studying and waiting for her to answer. I never remember its real name so it's Study Diner for me. It's especially nice on rainy days when it's more quiet. A soft murmur of voices from tables a little further off feels relaxing. It helps me concentrate.

…

I'm reading a book for our psychology class and it mentioned personality disorders. I googled and...

I may have (be?) a borderline personality disorder. Variance in moods and self-image. Impulsive behavior. Trouble keeping friends and relationships. Interests and values might change quickly.

That's...

painfully

accurate.

I'm crying.


	16. Chapter 16

**Mon 23 May**

Kitagawa-kun... I think it's safe to call him Yusuke. I did, yesterday. We've almost died together. I saw him on my way to school. He's worried about Madarame and wanted to go to the palace AGAIN. But we need to prepare first. I told him so, and he was very cool about it! He said it's good that I think rationally and calmly about this. What's... happening to him? He seems like such a different person now. Weird and strong and still somehow very calm.

He's had a rough life. Why doesn't he have multiple personas? Why don't I have JUST ONE?

…

HAHAHAHA

I saw Niijima-senpai in the hallway. She had her nose buried into a gigantic manga. Never would have thought of her that way! She was peeking over it, though. Is she FOLLOWING me??

She did say I was behaving much better than she assumed. BUT

SHE IS CONDESCENDING. ”You wouldn't understand student council work...” Oh yeah?? And why is THAT?? Too stupid for you? Too delinquent for your high and mighty majestic ass? What if you gave me a CHANCE?

What if I stole YOUR heart? Wonder if Niijima has a palace, too.

I'd like to explore Niijima's ”palace”... Or her palace. Maybe she has one. That shell of hers... she's a tyrant. Sees all the school as a... prison camp and she is the officer there. Making sure everyone is behaving well. Executing delinquents. Serving the higher ups. Following orders.

But then there's one delinquent who sets out to steal her heart and make her a better person...

…

Doctor Takemi had texted me several times... I finally had the guts to go ahead. I fainted, again. The medicine tastes BAD. Awful. Disgusting. Repulsive. But her former boss is giving her a hard time. She has a MORBID sense of humor.

 

**Tue 24 May**

Takemi and a bath later and Morgana didn't even time to tell me to go to sleep.

Niijima-senpai IS following me around. But only in school. I went to see Ann and kept an eye for someone shadowing me. No one.

Ann doesn't see her parents often. They work in fashion and she has traveled the world. Not many friends. Except us, now. How do I meet all these great people now? They're just like me in a lot of ways.

But Ann is so STRONG. And kind! How??? I kinda love it! I think I can be like her! Just hang around with her more often and focus on keeping my heart open. All the time! No backing down now! No more hate, no more bitterness! I can do this! I can be like her! She tried to strengthen her persona by getting me to say things to her today but they didn't work but I think this WILL.

 

**Wed 25 May**

Her again. Niijima-senpai. On the train. We met on the platform and talked. She... seems accusatory AND defensive. Like she's forced to do something she doesn't want to do.

We talked about studying. She has less time to study now because of the issues she has to deal with. Student council work. Tracking down delinquents. Keeping an eye on me. She really doesn't seem to like it. But she still does it. Why?? I don't get it. Why don't you just say NO??? That's what made my life...

so much worse...

…

UNTIL IT GOT BETTER. I'm feeling better than ever!

HANG IN THERE, NIIJIMA-SENPAI. I have an open and kind heart and you won't have to do those duties for much longer anymore. And then we will go out on a date!

Also, she's VERY hard to talk to, AND very easy! Same with her eyes. I could stare into them for... eternity. And I want to avoid them! It's like she goes straight into my soul. It's a soft touch, but she still does, and if I let my guard down, she touches me deeeeeep and sees the truth. That I'm the leader of the Phantom Thieves and that's it for romance.

Could I keep it up? Seeing her? And being a Phantom Thief? What if we set a date and she gets all ready for it, jewels and makeup and her best dress and everything, and suddenly DUTY CALLS and I need to be Joker??

Will this ever work out??? NIIJIMA-SENPAAAIIIIII

I've made some lockpicks recently and we're going to raid the palace again. Maybe with some more care this time because NIIJIMA-SENPAAAAAIII

…

I did it! We opened a lot of treasure boxes and didn't go too far with our battles! This is it! The better life!

 

**Thu 26 May**

She's still just going about the anxiety of other students.

I thought we had something going on, but she's just...

into duties.

I'll never have her.

Seeing Takemi feels like I'm always challenging myself. I learn new things and the medicine trials feel like... almost like I'm in the palace. Facing danger. Then I overcome it. Besides, she likes me and she is sexy. Maybe I should forget about Niijima-senpai and just let the doctor do anything she wants with me. I need a bath.

 

 **Fri 27 May**  
People keep pressuring me to go to the palace. We can't yet. Kamoshida almost killed us. We've almost died in this palace several times. We can't go in yet. It would be too risky. I can't take that risk. They're my friends. We do they keep pressuring me? Harassing me for saving their lives? For taking care of them? Do they think that we could just go in and steal the treasure and that's okay? Nothing would happen? Are they really that stupid?

…

Went to work. Maybe I'm too harsh on my friends.

Still.

Don't pressure me.

…

On my home, I passed by the man they seem to call ”No Good Tora”. Morgana said I could learn speaking skills from him. He thinks everything in such... does he only see others as tools? Instrumental value. That's the word. I see good in the man. People heckle at him and focus on stuff he did 20 years ago. Why? A person can't change? They don't have anything else to do but focus on past mistakes and laugh at others?

I had a good time with him. His conviction made me feel good. He said my company comforted him. His face is like the sun. The Sun.

A voice in my head again. Let it come. Maybe I'm crazy. But my craziness is doing the world a service. I'm going to embrace my craziness and we're going to embrace our outsiderness.

 

**Sat 28 May**

I thought I might call the others to our hideout, but Niijima-senpai was near.

She... asked me to go home directly. She didn't seem bossy or manipulative, but genuinely concerned. There's been crime in Shibuya.

I said ”Don't worry, I can handle myself” and now I'm wondering if that came off as charming or does she see me even more as a delinquent. Either way, maybe she'll keep an eye on me...

She didn't even seem like she was there for me. We just bumped into each other. I'm really starting to like her.

Still, her being near our hangout spot might signal trouble.

WHY DOES THE GIRL I LOVE HAVE TO BE ON THE WRONG SIDE?

Working at the flower shop is always relaxing. I never think about anything else when I'm there.

Sojiro, too. I haven't really worked there since...

the beginning of the month?

I almost missed the old man.

Flowers make me all soft inside.

I went to see a movie with Ryuji, too. We were both teary-eyed afterwards.

What a sappy weekend. I also saw Yuuki-kun. He thought he had arranged a double date with some Phantom Thieves fans (”phangirls”), but they stood us up. No worries because I don't want to see anyone but Niijima-senpai.

I'm kind of happy.

I also saw same shady guys in Shibuya again. I think Niijima-senpai really is onto something with her worries.

Life is looking good.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Mon 30 May**

  
I forgot to write Sunday in there. A good weekend. I also finished Carmen and now I'm all love and kindness. It's raining and I walked the school hallways and smiled at people. They seemed a little confused! Rain makes me happy. Reading makes me happy. Seeing people makes me happy. I wish I could keep doing this forever and just be happy!

We gathered and talked about where we would want to go. There was bully's shadow in Mementos again. The world is a little better now. We stayed in Mementos to blow off some steam and gather money. I delivered a persona to Caroline & Justine and they seem to be happy, too. In their own weird way.

Sometimes it's good to do something easy. I wish I could keep this up always.

Ryuji and Yusuke are great guys but they're falling for demons all the time. Succubi show some leg and cast Marin Karin.... Me and Ann and Morgana had to do everything in our power to keep them from hitting US. They apparently see us as competition or something. The relaxation gel I have bought luckily works well, as does destroying the shadows.

A conversation between Yusuke and Ann and Ryuji:  
A: ”Snap out of it!”  
Y: ”What... I seem to have lost my senses for a while there. What happened?”  
A: ”You fell for that demon again, Yusuke.”  
R: ”And went on 'bout how perfect they are and you wanna paint 'em right there with the blood of your friends.”  
Y: ”My... I swear I would never do that. I don't believe blood would make for a good paint.”  
R: ”Ann, you better pose nude for him soon so...”  
A: ”Shut up! I will not. Besides, you're the one to speak.”  
R: ”What do you mean?!”  
A: ”Oh, just some 'alright, this is finally my chance...'”

That shut up Ryuji. Ann can take care of herself. I really admire that. And Yusuke is a great addition to the team.

 

**Tue 31 May**

  
Senpai seems to waver between emotions. She tries to be a responsible student council president. I don't know if some people buy that. But there's something more to her. I can see it on her face and on her body. She's an open book to, as open as the book she's reading.

Takemi, on the other hand, is one curve ball after another. She is goth and dark, but her heart is... she helped a kid for free, today. She manages to convince me that she's cold, every time. Every time I fall for those tricks. The woman has GUTS. And a sense of humor straight from the grave.

 

**Wed 1 Jun**

  
We met up at the hideout. Yusuke will help Ryuji design a better calling card this time. They went their way to design it, and me, Morgana, and Ann stayed in Shibuya for coffee and talked about the palaces and Mementos. It was crowded enough. Talking about shadows and fighting them in a crowded place feels weird, but... there's a lot of people there. No one will hear. No one would believe. An onlooker would probably think we were talking about roleplaying or video games.

I hadn't talked about it with anyone earlier. We didn't go too deep this time, either. We touched on how scary it can be, but also how powerful we feel with our personas. And that we need to do this. We're the only ones who can, and the only ones who know about it.

I got home and watched some tv in my room. My own room! My own tv! Better yet, I worked on some lockpicks. I forgot all about the time passing, I was so engrossed in making them. It's fun to work with my hands! I never would have thought.

 

 **Thu 2 Jun**  
We're coming for you, Madarame. You won't stop us. You can't stop us. You might as well try stop time.

…

He did his best to try. We were right to be cautious. He... divided into four and targeted all our weaknesses. I don't know how Yusuke-kun is so calm. He learned how Madarame had basically killed his mother. His whole is turned upside down. And he is...

There's also someone in a black mask. Someone else in the palaces. In the metaverse.


	18. Chapter 18

**Fri 3 Jun**

Yesterday we talked about the fight. Risking our lives. Almost dying. About why we do this. Yusuke asked whether we can make people happy.

We can't. We can only give them a chance. Free them from oppression and unfair chances. The chances are theirs to take.

I'm trying to let that sink in.

We can't help anyone get to the finishing line. We can't make the world good. We can only remove some evils and hope that the world steers itself onto the right course.

I'm glad Morgana is here. I was feeling gloomy in the evening. He was optimistic. He thinks I'm special and that there's no limit to what we can do as a team, now. His cat eyes are irresistible. I don't know where I'd be without him.

He's also insecure about himself. Who he is, what he is, where he is from. It feels awful to say this but glad he is. At least we have something in common. It would be horrible to have him all full of optimism and no understanding at all for me. The poor thing dreams of being a human again.

I don't know if he ever can be. But we'll try and help.

That's all I'm good for. Helping others.

For some reason I read a horrible book on picking up girls on the train. How desperate have I become? At least I didn't have to bother my brain with it.

I didn't use my newfound ”skills” on Niijima-senpai. She was in Shibuya now. Does she want to get to know us — or is she just nosy? I can't tell. I'll never pick up girls. But I'd rather not pick them up at all then listen to the advice of a pick-up artist.

Needed some honesty. Me and Ann went to the park and ate some dessert I'd bought. That really made her happy. Her enthusiasm is pure, honest. I don't know where those pick-up artists get their ideas from. Ann is just a friend, but the way the book talked about women as just tools to be manipulated... Maybe we should change that author's heart.

Mishima, too. Enthusiasm. GIVE ME GOOD THINGS. Being inside a monster's heart is tiring. His enthusiasm is almost blind, but at least he has a good heart. He thought he'd use money gathered from the Phan-Site for a buffet, but I pointed out that it wouldn't be fair. He saw my point immediately so we just got home again. I would've liked the food. But maybe it's better this way. Seeing a friend is better.

I hope my friends have time in the following days. I really could use an ear now. If I have the courage to speak up...

**Sat 4 Jun**  
Ryuji has an i d e a. I wish he didn't. He found a flyer from a maid service and wants us to use their services.

But I'm only thinking about the unattainable senpai... So I went and studied in the cafe. Rainy day.

And then the stupid maid service. I did it just to get them off my backs and because I can't concentrate on anything anyway because Yusuke said Madarame will make an announcement tomorrow. So if this is my last day as a free man, I thought maybe I could at least indulge myself.

AND IT WAS KAWAKAMI. Yuuki and Ryuji got scared and I faced her b y m y s e l f.

My teacher is a maid.

But...

…

I'm not sure she likes it.

I knew she was a good person.

 

**Sun 5 Jun**  
He confessed. Everything is okay.

 

**Mon 6 Jun**  
I saw Toranosuke-san again. Helping out others, again. Whatever happened to me talking about myself?

Ann wishes she could help out others. Ryuji is excited about our popularity. We're on TV. I need a break. I need a bath.

 

**Tue 7 Jun**  
Coffee, books, and a burger. I'M STUFFED.

 

**Wed 8 Jun**  
SHE is in Shibuya all the time. She says she can't stop the book because it's so good. Also, she seems to be in the habit of talking to herself.

Also, me going to a bookstore to shake her off, her seeing it, and me coming out with a new book made her eyes light up. And they're pretty, those eyes.

Every time I think I'm over her, something like this happens. So, flowershop time. That should show her how much of troublemaker I am.

Sojiro, too. I wonder what she would say about Sojiro. Or Leblanc.

…

My attemps at forgetting her aren't very good. But at least I'm less bitter about it. There's something really calming about handling the delicate flowers and trying to make their colors match in a bouquet.

 

**Thu 9 Jun**  
This is weird. A young detective called Akechi Goro came and said hello and he said he'd heard us talk of pancakes. Even though it was Morgana. Akechi-kun seemed very pleasant and friendly, though, and he said we'd be filming together tomorrow.

But there's no trusting anyone's appearances. That's what people said about Kamoshida and Madarame, too. Especially when they had a cat talk.

It was on a school trip to the tv studios. The people there were jerks. Ann was hit on and Ryuji and me were put to physical work.

Afterwards, we went to Dome Town. I've never really liked rides before, but now they were ~~fun~~ exhilarating.

I looked at what I've written this week. It's like the whole week has gone by in a haze.

 

**Fri 10 Jun**  
Akechi-kun spoke in front of the television. He is HUGELY popular among girls. Very good-looking, charismatic, and smart. He held the audience and the hosts on the palm of his hand and on his lap and pet them and they PURRED.

He talked about how the phantom thieves can't be just because we work outside the law. Is that his definition of justice? Following the law? Following rules? Whose justice?

He also quoted Hegel. Paraphrased. Advancement requires a thesis and an antithesis. So: opposites. Sounds very much like me fusing personas.

I think he didn't realize I know something of Hegel. I've been reading a book on famous philosophers. He seemed condescending. But I think we should see each other again. There's something about him that feels... safe. His intellect may also help me with Niijima-senpai. If I can keep talking with him, maybe I can become smarter.

But he is working with the police and that means he might be trouble. But Niijima-senpai is trouble, too. And a while ago I thought that no one could ever get onto us. Those two, and the black mask.

 

**Sat 11 Jun**  
The girls in our school are nuts for Akechi. Everybody's eating from his hand, now. I hear he's an orphan, too. That's what I often feel like too. So: like me, but popular?

And now, Niijima-senpai attacked, too. She took a photo of me, Ryuji, and Ann. Ann and Ryuji attacked her and she was taken aback. And now what will she do? They scared her into doing something stupid and she will take us down? Not as The Glorious Phantom Thieves, but just as students?

We needed to talk about it. Yusuke, too. We came here (Leblanc). Ann made a good impression on Sojiro and said I'd been helping them out.

Ryuji hates Akechi already. Ann is worried about can we give people courage if our name is smeared. Yusuke is surprisingly smart and resourceful. We're making hotpot.

…

That was really nice. Warming. We need more times like this! Even Ryuji and Morgana were sitting around the same table, bonding and being friendly. Morgana think that he doesn't belong with us and Ryuji tried to comfort him. The cat really should give him more credit for that and I told him that just now.

They also now know the full story of what happened. Why I'm here.

We went to the bathhouse too. I think Ryuji likes Ann. Seriously likes him. He said she looks better than a celebrity and wanted my opinion on her, too.

…

Some more. I think Ryuji is jealous of Akechi. Even more than I am. Akechi is popular and he's speaking against us. Ryuji WANTS to be popular. But he's also said that being an outcast has its benefits, too. So... he wants to a popular outcast? Or maybe make a difference. By popular BY being an outcast. So that popularity wouldn't instantly mean ”comforming”.

But he is self-centered. I hope he doesn't harm us. But I... can't make myself say it. He's been through SO MUCH. I don't want to hurt him by saying that.

 

**Sun 12 Jun**  
Dreamt of the velvet room again. Igor said my heart is giving courage to the people around me. How does he know that? Does he see into my heart? Is he correct?

Might be. I woke up feeling very good! Yusuke had left, though. He'd talked with Sojiro-san who was in a good mood, too. Sayuri is in Leblanc now.

Yusuke is hard to follow at times. But very cool and smart at others. I want to know him better. He intrigues me.

I met Ann in the park again. She wants to be an action star now. I tried to tell her that it wouldn't necessarily work, but I just couldn't make myself do it. She is SO enthusiastic. And really likes Shiho, her first friend here.

This weekend has been good. We all know each other much better now. About our pasts. Our desires and dreams and needs. The week started out being very heavy and... almost fatal.

Now it's better. It feels like it's been ages. How can so much happen in one week? Also, Toranosuke-san asked me to come because he feels more courageous with me around.

Hearing things like that... ME? Having an effect on people?


	19. Chapter 19

**Mon 13 Jun**

Lunchtime.

Thinking about the velvet room...... There's a feeling in my body. It feels like there's more space. Igor said I can carry more personas now and it feels like...

I need to pay attention to this.

Do my personas affect who I am? I can't carry them all with me at the same time. I don't know what's happening or how I know it, but I have eight with me now: two for Death, Chariot, Lovers, Fool, Hierophant, Devil, and Sun. I think they help me get along with people. I understand Ryuji better when I have a persona Chariot with me, for example. I have much less patience for his aggressiveness when I don't.

A while ago Toranosuke-san asked me to accompany him to his speech but I said no because I didn't have a persona of the Sun with me at the moment.

I'm...

Don't know how to feel about this? Normal people aren't like this? They don't need to actually PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY CARRY WITH THEM EACH DAY? But they can just be themselves and not worry about stuff like who I might see today or what should I be prepared for.

...

Rainy season and the...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE.

Me and Niijima-senpai on the subway. Her name is Makoto. Niijima Makoto. But it wasn't...

She found out. Recorded Ryuji and Ann talking. She talked with me in the student council room and wanted me to take her to everyone else.

On the subway... It was scary and uncertain, but... never uncomfortable.

I had every reason to be uncomfortable there but I...

I just wanted to hold her hand.

She can rat us all out and she has some plans for tomorrow and I can't stop thinking about how close we were in the crowded subway and what she smells like.

Am I selling out the Phantom Thieves because I have a crush on her?

I don't even know where all the time went. In the cafe with the others, speculating about tomorrow, worrying. On the subway. Listening to the raindrops pummeling on the umbrella. Mona kept pestering me to talk. I walked in the rain just to drown his words out.

We got home and I don't want to do anything.

Just lying on the mattress and listening to the rain and...

I fall in love and even that sucks.

 

**Tue 14 Jun**

  
I'm happy that I can pet Morgana when he's in my school desk.

I wonder what other people hear his whispers as. Purring? Constant meows?

We have two weeks to deal with a mafia boss.

Yusuke is smart. The smartest of us. He is in a slump now, though, and wants me to help with his art. He said how art comes straight from the heart.

Maybe I'll write some, too.

I'm a shapeshifter  
What else should I be?  
Please don't take off my mask  
Revealing dark

Is that from my heart? What is the heart? Do I speak from my heart, or is there something in between? A mask? If I write about a mask, is it my heart or my mask speaking?

Doesn't a persona come straight from the heart's strength? And a shadow is a distorted heart? Yusuke thought he couldn't create true, pure art right now, but something material, I think it was. Born of this material world. He wants to go beyond it. Why does he have a persona but can't express it in the real world?

 

**Wed 15 Jun**

We discussed acid rain in class.

All the things I love are corrosive.

 

**Thu 16 Jun**

Yesterday we tracked down news about the criminals in Shibuya. Niijima-senpai didn't know anything herself. But I think she wants us to succeed. I heard she has even argued with the principal.

I've been reading and bathing the whole week. I feel better.

...

This day, too. Tracking down criminals.

All of my energy goes into doing detective work.

...

I think I'm exaggerating, though. I have read and bathed. I wrote that above just a few hours ago. I get a lot of things done! Why am I not happier about it? I could and should be. Niijima-senpai complimented me today, and even phoned me and apologized.

I feel numb.

 

**Fri 17 Jun**

  
Evening  
I saw Akechi-kun on the train platform today. Was it today? I think it was. He has a silver-colored briefcase with a circled A on it. I'm not sure if that is smug and self-centered, or confident in a good way.

He really is a pretty boy. I don't wonder girls are all over him. He has a pleasant voice and a wide smile. But I don't think that's all there is to him. I don't know why. I think he is interested in me as a person, and not just because of my opinions on the phantom thieves.

I like the way his smile makes me feel. But at the same time, I can't... fully relax with him.

Our crew gathered in a karaoke bar. I wanted to sing Gackt's Love Letter. The people next door were too noisy, though, and we needed to talk over our situation. Or should I say discuss our predicament? Is that something Yusuke would say? Or Niijima-senpai? Their smartness is contagious.

"even now, you're still by my side  
smiling at me with that sweet smile..."

I texted the journalist Ohya Ichiko. I'm at the diner in Shibuya now, studying and waiting for her to answer. I never remember its real name so it's Study Diner for me. It's especially nice on rainy days when it's more quiet. A soft murmur of voices from tables a little further off feels relaxing. It helps me concentrate.

…

I'm reading a book for our psychology class and it mentioned personality disorders. I googled and...

I may have (be?) a borderline personality disorder. Variance in moods and self-image. Impulsive behavior. Trouble keeping friends and relationships. Interests and values might change quickly.

That's...

painfully

accurate.

I'm crying.


	20. Chapter 20

**Sat 18 Jun**

I went to Mementos with Yusuke alone. That seemed like the right thing to do because he wanted to paint the human heart. A perverted idea, maybe... but maybe that's what Yusuke needs right now. He said Madarame's heart distorted the way he sees art. It overthrew everything he thought his life and art was. Maybe the guy needs to face that ugliness again. A few slime attacked us. They were like rotting meat. Smelled that way, too.

What a nice view of what a human heart can be...

That experience brought us closer, though. Fighting in Mementos with someone, alone, just the two of us. He is a dependable fighter.

I wonder what his arcana is... In a sense I think his insight and intellect would make a fine leader for our group. On the reverse side, he has dealt with false authority for all his life. I think he'll be struggling with that for a long time. So he will be the emperor.

…

Some assholes harassed Ryuji. I... didn't know what to do. He ran away and I haven't heard from him since. Is that the way adults approach people? Drunk and straightforward?

Ohya-san responded and I went to Shinjuku to talk with her. She wants inside info on the phantom thieves from a Shujin student and in exchange, she gave me something in return: Kaneshiro Junya. That's the mafia boss we're trying to deal with.

Ohya-san was drunk, too.

Dealing with drunks. Is t h a t what I have to do now?

I hope Ryuji is okay.

 

**Sun 19 Jun**

  
Ryuji came to our meeting in Shibuya. He was scared.

Me and Ryuji talked aftewards. He was joking at first but then he was really pissed because I left him alone. He yelled at me. I couldn't... say anything. At first. Then I said my dad was a drunk. And I just... froze.

I don't know if he pitied me or sympathized. We sat in silence. Then we talked about our dads. He doesn't remember much good of his because he left years ago.

It's probably the stupidest thing you could be jealous of, but I am. I wish my dad had left us, too.

Maybe people can be shitty even without a rotten heart. Or do those assholes have a shadow in the metaverse, too? Harassing highschoolers in the middle of the night?

...

Mom, I can't talk to you right now, but thank you. Thank you for saying that no one can touch me if I don't want to.

…

The rest of the day: we found Kaneshiro's palace. He thinks of the whole of Shibuya as his domain, and he floats above it in a flying bank. People are nothing to him but ATMs that walk. No faces, no arms, no personality. Even their voices sound like automated voices. But they can still feel pain and loss. There were dead ATMs lying around, some still throwing sparks of life. Others, discarded and dead, fallen from a great height.

From what I can tell, they're people my age.

 

**Mon 20 Jun**

I stayed up at night, thinking about the victims — the kids my age. We've taken down shadows of Shibuya bullies.

What is it like? To have your heart corrupted like that? Do they have any say in it, or can they only... sit back and witness their heart rot? All the shadows we have taken down seem to be sincerely sorry. Even Kamoshida.

We talk a lot about how we can never forgive those people. But is it true?

Writing this down, and reading my earlier thoughts... I feel lost. At times I don't recognize myself from my earlier writings.

Why have I been given the gift of the velvet room? Why did my bitterness turn into a persona and not a shadow?

We're going to the bank today.

 

**Evening**

This has been the SCARIEST and MOST WHOLESOME day of MY ENTIRE LIFE.

We were trying to think how to go to the bank and Makoto showed up and she seemed hostile but quickly turned into...

She admitted things about herself and didn't want to be the bad guy, and HOW DOES SHE DO THOSE THINGS? Straight up ADMIT that she was WRONG? She seems to be carrying a burden inside her and she compares herself to her sister who is a public prosecutor. She wanted to be useful so she did something stupid that on a scale of zero to 100 is about RYUJI and dragged us all into Kaneshiro's headquarters!

So we got into trouble and the asshole is now blackmailing us. With photos. And we need to pay him three million yen. I...

remember feeling

desperate back then? For a while. Like sinking into an abyss. Associated with a crime lord. In severe debt. Future... in ruin. This being maybe the fate that awaits me. Prison. Velvet room being just a projection of my future.

It was Makoto's rashness that got us into trouble but somehow

EVERYONE FORGAVE HER. And she admitted her own faults, AGAIN. AGAIN.

I wish Morgana would cut Ryuji some serious slack because the guy is absolutely good at forgiving and understanding. He is very quick to anger, but those outbursts also calm down quite soon and I admire his ability to let things go.

But anyway, we took Makoto to the Metaverse and WHEN DOES SHE STOP BEING LIKE THAT. She was shocked, of course, but took it all in so FAST and it was as if it all made sense to her immediately.

I...

had a boner when it became apparent that she understood the nature of the metaverse and talked all smart.

A SERIOUS boner.

...

She also talked about how she wanted to be like her father who was also on the side of justice. So the whole family has been fighting crime?

She explained her rashness by wanting to be useful. As good as her sister. Probably her father as well. It was stupid but then it also gave us access to the bank... because now we are Kaneshiro's customers.

We are also in deep danger, but maybe... this is how life works. At least based on these...

l a s t f e w w e e k s. It feels like... years' worth of changes...

Yes, maybe life IS about risking. Maybe CHANGE is about risking. Safety would never have gotten us into the bank. Or well, it would never also have saved us from Madarame and Kamoshida either.

Makoto admitted to us that she didn't do anything about her doubts about Kamoshida.

She did that mid-sentence. She was about to cover it up. Try to say something nice about herself. Instead, she said she was partly responsible.

SHE took a chance there. And instead of us hating her...

we just admire her more.

Everything she did today could be considered stupid but for now, it has only resulted in good things.

INCLUDING

HER FUCKING STANDING UP AND TURNING INTO A HEROINE OF MY DREAMS

Kaneshiro threatened to make her or her sister a sex slave and the nice girl just didn't wanna let others push her around and the blue lights and the motorcycle noises and the awed looks on everyone's faces when she unleashed her holy fury upon the shadows. Because her persona isn't like ours but it is a m o t o r c y c l e. JOHANNA. It blazes blue nuclear fire and even the goddamn Mafia boss shadow looked at her scared.

The fights there were...

The shadows are getting stronger. Dangerous. They tower above us, three meters tall at least, and not all of them have weaknesses. They almost mowed us down before Niijima-senpai came to our assistance. When she awakened, there were three gigantic monsters there on which I tried my first curses and

just one power

and two of those shadows died. With a single command.

With a single command, I ended those shadows.

Then senpai fucking EXECUTED the last one and we made our escape.

We almost died and her fierceness, her determination, the pure rebellious fire of her soul saved us all.

She almost collapsed afterwards, when we were in Shibuya again, and told her that she had a feeling that she might not agree with her sister on everything. That she would have to carve her own path in life.

 

Even as I'm writing this, my whole body is on goosebumps and I'm crying because SHE IS ON OUR SIDE.

Niijima-senpai is ON OUR SIDE and she will be a phantom thief among us.

Niijima Makoto is a phantom thief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ryuji in Shinjuku is one of the rare few instances where I will deviate from how things are portrayed in the game.
> 
> Sexual harassment in not fun, nor is homophobia, and neither should be used for comic relief.


	21. Author's Note

AN: Thanks for reading this far! The work has been on an indefinite hiatus for five months now. It is a very personal one, and it touches on a lot of things I myself have struggled with. 

 

I feel like I am in a much better place at the moment. That is why for the time being, I'm not writing more of this fic. I need to focus on getting my own life on a much better track, and as a writer, I want a different kind of challenge, so portraying a fictional character in a different stage of healing is not a good idea. I have some things brewing, but the last months have been pretty momentous personally.

 

This is the longest work I've written and I'm not satisfied with not finishing it. But my own health comes first. I hope I can bring you even better stuff in the future.


End file.
